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A week into the Toronto Mayoral bid, it already has the makings of one of those weird, uninhibited nights that could very well spell a fourth Hangover movie. Among the zoo of 41 candidates are what seem to be drunken handfuls of leather, crack, and chow.

Some of the names are big: Rob Ford, Olivia Chow, John Tory. Others are small. There is an eighteen year old and a dominatrix. If you’re not voting for the juggernaut candidates, it might be a tough call between a highschooler and a surefire political fantasy.

Nonetheless, here’s what you need to know about three of the forty-one. More will come later on to discuss others like John Tory, Karen Stintz, and David Soknacki.

 

Rob Ford

He requires no introduction unless he’s at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting.

Rob Ford, the incumbent mayor of Toronto who was stripped of much of his powers by Toronto city council, is just your average guy who answers your phone calls, likes to play football, and dabbles in just a bit of crack cocaine to get him through the day. He’s a stickler for taxes, enjoys life away from  the core of downtown Toronto, and his ties match the style of someone who got dressed in the dark. He also eats a lot at home, so we know he’s well fed.

Any way you slice it, Rob Ford’s legacy is a powder keg of erratic personal problems and small policy-based victories. He was able to designate the TTC as an essential service, and maintain transparency protocol between councilors. But he resembled a circus-clown of a politician who was reported for borderline racist comments, convicted of drunk driving, and lied to constituents about his history with drugs.

And by lying, I mean avoiding, then denying, then prolonging, then denying again, then challenging, then mumbling some expletive, then still denying his drug history, even when the truth is before him and everyone else with a cell phone.

Still, he’s running with all the force that a Ford campaign engine can run.  These days, it seems to need a little artificial boost now and then.

 

Olivia Chow

Chew her up, try to digest her life, and Olivia Chow will still have spunk. As an activist for anything and everything, she has been a shoe-in to run for mayor.  I don’t mean this to brush her off as a narrow-minded legacy builder. She isn’t. Nor am I saying that the NASA-backed study concluded that it’s either Olivia Chow for mayor or mass extinction for Torontonians. I’m not.

Instead, I’m pointing on the fact that she has advocated consistently for the voiceless, and, in doing so, has obtained a voice for herself.

However, some argue otherwise, and they see her as the puppet rather than the ventriliquist. Though she calls for “responsible spending”, opponents of her NDP-styled policy only see the weights of more tax-and-spend dragging her down.

She’ll counter with the children, others will counter with the children’s children, and the cycle will continue until Olivia Chow writes another book about her journey as mayoral candidate.

 

Mizz Barbie Bitch

Politics are dirty. They often divulge into a game of blindfolding constituents, spanking them silly with irate policies, and calling one person or another – maybe it’s Harper nagging Muclair – a bad, bad boy.

Luckily (and maybe even a bit forcefully), Toronto has someone who is willing to manhandle the political arena. Like the name suggests, Mizz Barbie Bitch (real name Carlie Ritch) wants to whip city hall with tight policy and transparency in bondage. It won’t be easy – there are no safe words or gag orders when it comes to changing Toronto.

But at least there are no surprises and nothing left undiscovered under her sleeves (if she is wearing any, of course). She claims, “There are no skeletons in her closet”, and instead that she, “is the skeleton”, which I’m sure is true for some of her customers.

Yet she means business with her spiked-collar pinstriped suit and her horse-whip. For one, she’s not Rob Ford. In fact, she points to his “abuses of power” as one of the main impetuses for running. And when a dominatrix says that acceptable dominance is being mismanaged, there’s probably more than just a joke there.

For another, her crack is bare for all to see. It just costs a bit, but, then again, when didn’t a good political campaign require a bit of sponsorship?

It’s not all just fun and games though.  She’s a self-proclaimed “fixer”. She wants to toll the Gardiner Expressway to revitalize it. She wants to cut the inner-politics of Toronto’s city council by halving its population. And she doesn’t want to have to beat us for it all – unless, of course, we’re into that. Whatever gets votes, right?