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Not the pleasant face that would actually be doing the procedure.Blink-182

Not the pleasant face that would actually be doing the procedure.
Blink-182

 

Doug Ford, fresh from his latest verbal assault on the mentally frail kids living in the Griffin Centre in his neighbourhood, decided today he finally needed bigger fish to fry. Which “bigger fish” you ask? The Progressive-Conservatives, of course.

After a stunning defeat in the Ontario provincial elections, in which Kathleen Wynne won the mandate to form a majority Liberal government, Doug Ford seized upon the chance to declare that he would give the party an enema from top to bottom” (I thought enemas were strictly a “bottoms-only” remedy but I guess not) if he were in charge. Pending the next party caucus, it is fully expected that Doug will personally bend over each member of the party, in order to administer this “corrective procedure” (cue the terrible mental imagery that fits with “LOSE THOSE BELTS, BOYS!”)

 

This is the faceDarren Calabrese

This is the face
Darren Calabrese

 

While it is certain to make the creative heads behind “The Human Centipede” proud in a viscerally bizarre sort of way, I am not sure if it is the cure that the ailing party needs while it does some soul-searching in the woods. Chalking the defeat up to Tim Hudak’s inability to connect with the people despite his sharp mind (…and dismissively sounding like an episode of “How I met Your Mother”), it appears as if Doug is now trying to distance himself from the disgraced leader (more specifically, the jobs plans that involved slashing more than 100,000 public sector jobs) by claiming that “Rob and I represent the front-line union folks. We’re populists.” He added that he would put “real people” in positions of power so as to avoid battles with “union people,” which is an odd way of talking about ‘your homies,’ isn’t it?

Regardless, it is clear that the hard lessons that the PCs learned in this election cycle (namely, do not alienate the unions) were not lost on the Fords, who are looking to re-tool the party’s battered image as a butcher of social programs. In a press interview with The Star’s Jennifer Pagliaro, Doug went as far as to claim that “We’re fiscal conservatives, but social liberals. Rob’s social NDPers.” Before scoffing at the seeming redundancy of the statement, I will remind our readers that Horwath did flirt with the idea of a corporate NDPer during the election (much to her own party’s chagrin). I guess people really do need to be syntactically reassured in future elections (“is he a social NDPer? Like, a REAL, LIVING, BREATHING, NDPer?”)

Having made it patently obvious that he was going to only focus on Rob’s re-election campaign back in February (the Ford family did not even bat an eyelash at long-time ‘ally’ Doug Holyday’s defeat in the Etobicoke-Lakeshore riding), Doug Ford’s true ambitions seem to have finally come out into the open. When asked directly if he would seek a bid for the PC leadership position, he replied, “The door’s always open.” It’s not a coincidence that the chorus from Blink-182‘s song “Don’t Leave Me” includes the lyric, “Don’t let the door hit your ass” which is presumably directed at Tim Hudak.

Truly, it would appear as if Doug is done living in his brother Rob’s shadow (though to be fair, it is a thick shadow). Too bad we need to wait for another three years before we get to see what sorts of inhumane policy ideas that Doug Ford will come up with next… (“ALRIGHT GRIFFIN CENTRE, TIME TO GET EVEN… PREPARE THE CATAPULTS!”) And while the rest of us animatedly discuss what sorts of shenanigans would be implied by another member of the Ford family joining in on Ontario politics, Doug Ford is already slapping on those latex gloves.