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Rob Ford, man, myth, and legend, sent the Toronto SUN a picture of himself swimming, possibly to preempt the imminent topless photos of Nikki Benz. After so many reporters have chased him down to try and catch a photo of him doing literally anything, he’s just sent the photo in, along with news about how rehab is going.

 

A SplashToronto Sun

Brazzers
Toronto Sun

 

Trying to cut waist as well as waste, Ford says he’s dieting, swimming, and watching his health, pledging that he will return to Toronto a new Ford, the 2014 model.

Amazingly, Ford has actually shown a great deal of humility in reflection upon the past year, saying things like “It’s a cop-out to blame it on others. No one has enabled me,” “You do booze or drugs because you want to do it,” and that he’s deeply concerned about the privacy of the other residents in light of the media firestorm that has descended outside the facility since his presence there was first noted. Ford, on his past acts which have been undesirable to say the least now says that he doesn’t recognize that man on those tapes, and that “I take full responsibility. I have learned my lesson.” Well, what lessons has Rob Ford learned? Here are some top candidates.

1) Don’t smoke crack. Seems straightforward enough. Crack cocaine is bad news, makes holes in your brain, and makes you not yourself. Just, don’t do it.

2) If I’m gonna smoke crack, don’t get caught. Here’s an important one for Rob Ford: if your friends are prone to shine cameras in your eyes and sell videos to Gawker, don’t smoke crack around them. Do it in your basement or something.

3) If I’ve been caught smoking crack, and public reception is lukewarm, don’t go on public drunken rants. If the public’s not so hot about your crack smoking, it’s not like drunken stupors will magically negate it and people will think it’s better in comparison. It just combines together to make it worse.

4) If your political career can literally sink no lower, if you clean yourself up, lose some weight, and atone for your sins, you can rise as a phoenix from the ashes and maybe even still be re-elected. This is an important lesson for everyone, because the only thing the media loves more than a self-destructing public figure is the story of how they turned it all around and became a hero.

Or, maybe Ford just learned that taking topless photos is a great way to garner good publicity.

 

Correction (02/06/2014): This post mistakenly alleged that Rob Ford sent the photo to the Star instead of the SUN. It has been updated to better align with reality.