The writ has been dropped, and now it’s on to the main event. Ladies and Gentleman… let’s get ready to rumble! In the Blue Corner we have the Right Honourable Stephen “Silver-Fox” Harper standing on a platform of National Security and Economic Stability. In the Orange Corner we have the living embodiment of Santa Clause, Mr. Tom Mulcair spitting out some hot disses and getting Canadians ready for some change à la another well-known left-wing politician. In the Green Corner we have the ever feisty, prone to controversial speeches, Mrs. Elizabeth May who, like a recent episode of Game of Thrones, is throwing shame out on the reigning Prime Minister. Finally we have the man who can’t be tamed, the bloke from the Bloc that just won’t quit, Monsieur Gilles Duceppe standing in the light blue corner!
And just why is the Red Corner unoccupied (besides the fact that a boxing ring only has four corners)? Up and coming heavyweight contender, Justin Trudeau is busy on a plane getting ready for B.C pride. He’ll be entering the ring once all of the leaders have already hit the old dusty campaign trail as we embark on the longest election since 1872, or, if you want some context, when dinosaurs like Sir. John A. MacDonald walked the Earth.
The hot topic at Rideau Hall this morning was why in the world did Mr. Harper call an election so early, to which he was asked the same question four times by reporters from four different organizations. The response was the same on all accounts, Harper wants to bleed the parties dry, though he didn’t say it quite like that. The three time reigning heavyweight political champion of Canada wants to make sure that parties foot their own bills during this campaign and that they don’t force tax payers to pay one dime. However he failed to mention that the parties, elections Canada, and other necessary organizations during elections are all subsidized in part (or in full) by tax revenues. Real subtle there, Steve.
However, all this talk about strategy and malicious intent doesn’t take away from the issues at hand. Among Mr. Harper’s many points the two that stuck out the most were maintaining a stable economy and a strong national defence.
Perhaps unbeknownst to Mr. Harper is that he may have leaked out some potentially shocking information about Canada’s biggest enemy. Today Canadians are faced with many threats, but one that’s kept completely off the radar is, as Mr. Harper said the “Atlantic State” terrorists. Now I know what you’re thinking: surely Harper just made an error when trying to reference the Islamic state, but I remain sceptical. If you ask me it’s just a matter of time before we’re bombarded with beaver tails, lobster, and an army of B’ys that build the boats.
But getting back to the issue that’s on everyone’s mind, how long is 78 days really? To put it in perspective, 78 days is just over 11 weeks, or two and a half months; or perhaps in terms that we’ll all understand: 5616 episodes of the Simpsons. That’s how long this election will be, people. I would advise you all to take proper shelter from the onslaught of attack ads, baby kissing, and comments on Justin Trudeau’s hair because we’re going to be hit by the biggest electoral storm in recent Canadian History. If you need me, I’ll be where no greasy Politician has ever set foot in: the shower.