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It’s official. After weeks of dodging questions about Canada’s military involvement in the U.S.-led coalition against ISIS/ISIL/The Islamic State/whatever they’re called, the Conservative Party of Canada has introduced a motion that would formally send Canadians into another overseas war. It’s a landmark motion that will finally force Canadians, however unwilling, into the role our country has supposedly always enjoyed. We’re warmongers now- sorry, we’ve always been warmongers!


Ah, the good old days

Ah, the good ol’ days: when “lick them” wasn’t automatically sexual.
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Before this motion came to Parliament, between 26 and 69 Canadians were already on the ground as part of an “observatory” mission, but for some reason that didn’t require a motion or any advanced notice. The fundamental difference, of course, was that those troops were already on the ground, whereas these new troops will be in the air…in a more dangerous position? Screw it! The point, in demigod Stephen Harper’s words, is that Canadians “do not stand on the sidelines and watch. We do our part.” He added, “That’s always how this country has handled its international responsibilities, and as long as I’m prime minister that’s what we will continue to do.”

With those words and today’s in-House response to the motion, Harper finally proved that Liberals aren’t Canadians. This sounds like a grand conclusion, but it was merely a matter of formal logic:

Canadians do not stand on the sidelines. Justin Trudeau, Leader of the Liberal Party, will vote against the Conservative motion. Hence, Justin Trudeau stands on the sidelines and therefore cannot be a Canadian.

New Democrat Leader Tom Mulcair criticized the motion, but did not yet declare his support or opposition. Canadians can wait until Monday, when a vote is scheduled, to learn if Mr. Mulcair will also lose his citizenship.

Not to rehash an old point, but Canadians don’t stand on the sidelines. That’s why Stephen Harper’s Canada stood on the sidelines, alone, in opposition to the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, why Stephen Harper’s Environment Minister said it was an “honour” to be singled out for obstructing progress on global climate change, and why Stephen Harper’s Canada stood on the sidelines, once again alone, in withdrawing from the United Nations Convention to Combat Desertification because it was “not an effective way to spend taxpayers’ money,” and “very little of [the] money was going to programming.” In contrast, all of the money spent on war in the Middle East should go toward killing people. That is a much higher return on a much more noble investment. Right?

After overloading on cognitive dissonance, it might be worth reaffirming the Canadian identity. You know, in case you forgot who you are. Canadians are a violent, agitated people. We never stand alone on the sidelines, except when we do (often on matters like climate change that actually affect the entire world), and we’re all about high returns on noble investments, like the increasingly expensive F-35s that are “dangerous and unreliable” and “the wrong choice for Canada” relative to other planes. Violence, isolation, and an appetite for noble investments- this explains a lot. Real Canadians endorse “the wrong choice for Canada.” Real Canadians go to war.