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Disclaimer: For maximum reading pleasure the following passage must be read with a South Carolina accent.

There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain. The sort of pain that’s only suffering. Tuesday night’s Ontario leaders debate was from the latter category: pure suffering. I have no patience for useless things.

Watching Kathleen Wynne get body slammed with the second coming of the common sense revolution on the right and hip checked with the crutch that held her up for 16 months on the left was a gory and unpleasant sight.

It’s high time somebody with authority weighs in on this Ontario election and gives these leaders the kind of grandiose, omnipotent advice they so desperately need.  So sit back and relax and let FU show you how it’s done.

 

Children, listen to my lessonsNetflix

Children, it’s time to learn some lessons
Netflix

 

Kathleen, it’s time we had a little chat. Over ten years ago your government promised the people of Ontario that their taxes wouldn’t go up “one cent.”  Less than a year later taxes rose and they haven’t stopped rising since. You said you’d balance the budget. Don’t make me laugh. You doubled the province’s debt. And I’m not even sure how it’s possible to throw a billion dollars away but you seem to have done it. Don’t try to pass this on to your predecessor Kathleen. You were there and the whole province knows it. You told the people of Ontario that circumstances had changed. The nature of promises, Kathleen, is that they remain immune to changing circumstances. The road to power is paved with hypocrisy, and casualties. I suspect yours will be next.

Andrea, you are like a lone tree in an empty field – you lean whichever way the wind is blowing. Have some backbone. Have some courage. You’ve taken your party to the brink of destruction. Infighting. Compromising of values. You are a disaster. You lead a party committed to destroying the provincial economy, and here you are actually making some sense? It’s pathetic. You want to balance the budget. You won’t even raise taxes. What kind of New Democrat are you? Like your followers, I have zero tolerance for betrayal. You are the worst kind of politician. A self-made martyr escorted to the executioner’s chair by your own party.  What a martyr craves more than anything is a sword to fall on. So, you sharpen the blade, hold it at just the right angle, and then… on June 12th… 3,2,1…

Tim, you’ve really taken my motto to heart. I always say there’s no better way to overpower a trickle of doubt then with a flood of naked truth. Except Tim, you’ve taken it too far. You’ve trusted the people with information they can’t handle. People are like cattle; you need to herd them in the right direction without letting them know you’re sending them to the slaughterhouse. Lies. Deceit. That’s how you win the game Tim. Just look at the Liberals, they’ve been lying and deceiving the people for over a decade and now they have a political dynasty. I know you take a lot of pride in your manhood, Tim, it’s impressive. But as big as it is, Kathleen can still shut the door on it. The people see through your million jobs plan, and the loss of 100,000 jobs scares people, even if it is through attrition. People can be so fickle. Remember, when you’re fresh meat, kill and give them something fresher. Talk about The Liberal record, and the election is yours to lose.

You Canadians think you’re so cute with your constitutional monarchy. What has your governing system given you? Over a decade of Liberal scandals and wasted tax dollars and an opposition leader who can’t do basic mathematics? *slow clap* Well God save the Queen. I became President of the United States without a single vote cast in my favour. I am my own monarch. Democracy is so overrated.

With less than a week to go until the province goes to the polls, I have one final piece of advice for all leaders. There is but one rule: Hunt or be hunted.  Let the butchery begin.

 

 

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