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Two of the three major leaders in the Ontario election will be losing tonight, but their concession speeches won’t be honest. Here are what we imagine their speeches will be like, with a little translation from political jargon into honest talk (honesty located in parentheses):

 

Kathleen Wynne

Thank you all so much for your support during this election and congratulations to all those elected tonight (curse you Tim Hudak). We have a lot of work to do with this new government in place (oppose it every step of the way), and the Ontario Liberal Party will continue to fight for everything we believe in (socialism). I am proud of everything we have accomplished together (letting me be premiere for 20 months without ever being elected).

I know we’re all a little disappointed with this result (just me really), but this is not the end (except for my career). In this election, Mr. Hudak and his party were forced to use political tactics (by me) and try to pull the vote away from us. Despite everything the opposition is saying on television and radio, this is not the Liberal party of the past and we will show all Ontarians that the Liberal party of today represents them (as long as they’re left of Marx)! We may have to do that as the opposition, but that will not shake our resolve. Some voters chose to split the vote among three parties (voting for the losers they actually support), making it more difficult for Ontarians to get all the support they truly deserve, but that too will not stop us from fighting for you (just from raising taxes)!

Some will say that this election shows that Ontario did not want another Liberal government. We know in our hearts that that is not the case (they just didn’t want me to lead another Liberal government). Some Ontarians may not have been ready to vote for such a progressive (female) premier or such a progressive party, but in time, while the new government hurts Ontarians (public sector workers) everywhere, they will realize that progressive government is the only way to succeed, that Liberal government is the only way to succeed!

 

Tim Hudak

Thank you all so much for being here, and for all your support. This campaign has been so rewarding (painful), getting to meet and talk to so many of the great people (socialists) of this province. So many of our Progressive Conservative friends have been elected to the legislature tonight, we have so much to be proud of (just not enough).

Despite being in opposition, our plan stays relevant and we will continue to push for job creation so that every Ontarian can prosper and stay in this amazing province (and not leave to Alberta where quite frankly, it’s better). Though the attacks were relentless, many still stand by our plan (haven’t bought the Liberal lies) and believe in its ability to help Ontario grow (by some unquantified number of jobs).

Kathleen Wynne and the Liberals may have been elected to government, but they did so by making empty promises and by throwing money at problems that need more practical solutions (buying votes). We are going to remain in opposition (though I’ll probably have to resign) and fight for the changes and policies Ontario really needs in order to prosper.

 

Andrea Horwath

Thank you! Thank you so much! It has been an absolute pleasure to work with and meet so many of you on this campaign trail, it was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life (and a great showing for the NDP who, let’s be honest, weren’t going to win regardless). We made great strides forward in this election and have so much to be proud of.

We may not have won this election (duh), but we sure gave everyone something to talk about (the fact that Wynne is the absolute worst). The other parties (the Liberals) were forced to resort to appeals to strategic voting in order to keep us from government, because we were recognized as a viable alternative to corruption and bad policy making (the Liberals sucked and they knew it).

This election was about taking a principled stand against corruption and bad decisions (and totally not just trying to win seats), but this next term will be about pushing our legislature to care about social welfare, income distribution and other issues (that the other parties obviously don’t care about) that every Ontarian can benefit from. We will continue to care about every person in this incredible province and take care of every part of our society (as long as they want handouts).

 

Mike Schreiner

This has been a fantastic campaign, thank you all so much for all your support. We achieved an important goal this election (coming in fourth, again). The entire province of Ontario realized that we are not a one-issue party, that we stand for sustainable change in every sector of society and have plans for how to grow and improve Ontario across a wide range of issues (even though people voted for us because our name is “Green,” and have never heard about anything in our platform).

This election went better for us than we could have hoped (actually exactly what we figured would happen happened), and it’s thanks to all of you. You brought our message to every street and every town, and we proved to the other parties that we are a force to be reckoned with (like climate change). We will continue to push them towards sustainable policies and watch their every move, while getting stronger and stronger every election (like trees).

 

 

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