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Dear Prime Minister Harper,

Given that the federal government evidently does not have the time or the resources to fulfill certain gravy-train services for welfare-queen Canadians (such as combating Aboriginal poverty, investing in the empowerment of women through family planning, or generally, you know, acting as a government), I have a modest proposal. With the size of the federal government set to be at its lowest in 50 years due to your continued budget cuts, you may as well shut down the government and finish the job.


"Glad we don't need to worry aboot that, eh?"

“Glad we don’t need to worry aboot that, eh?”
Joe Mazzola


Yes, that’s correct, you heard me. Just shut that whole thing down. Go big or go home, right Steevie? (Or maybe, in this case, go big THEN go home).  Board up the windows of the House of Commons, cancel question period (the horror!), send the staffers home to have a life (maybe even extend their leashes by a few centimetres?), and consider renting out the unused space to my grandmother’s bridge club for Thursday nights. Hey, maybe Parliament can be put to some use for once! Serving Canadians, one game at a time.

I can see it now….

In what should be a shocking announcement from Ottawa (but which will probably just be ignored by Canadians who are too busy with… you know… stuff), Prime Minister Stephen Harper will announce his request for the prorogation of Parliament until 2015.



Y’know, stuff


At a press conference, attendance will be minimal at best.  We will have the only two members of the Canadian press who passed the extensive background checks and brainwashing by the Conservative Party of Canada, and that one old guy who always shows up to these political events and waves his finger while shouting about the “good old days”.  One of the Prime Minister’s minions political aids will make the announcement. Only pre-selected questions will be taken, all of which ask the Prime Minister’s representative to remind us, once again, just how effective the Harper Government’s economic action plan was.  At this point, a giant television screen will be rolled in and the Oscar-winning propaganda television updates will be displayed.

The Canadian political community will erupt like a dormant volcano. Leading political scientists will caution the three remaining Liberal Party supporters who display mild-annoyance via passive-aggressive tweets that, in order to prorogue Parliament, the Prime Minister will have to appeal to his pawn our Governor General David Johnson. As the Queen’s representative in Canada, the Governor General represents her interests, reminds Her Majesty where Canada is on the map, points out that, yes, she technically remains the monarch of this frozen wasteland, and reminds her that the polite suckers still give her money, so she’s in the clear financially to buy another dog this year.

If you think that the politicos will be furious, wait until you see how the public will react. Let me give you a hint: I predict they’ll be on this story about as quick as Toronto’s rush hour traffic in a snowstorm. Taking to the streets to keep their fingers on the pulse of the corpse-like Canadian public’s political opinion, journalists will be met with frigidity, and we’re not just taking about the weather.

“I want those two French guys to fight again,” one informed voter will so eloquently pronounce. “I like boxing.  That makes sense. This ‘prorogue’ business? Not as cutthroat.”

When interviewing Members of Parliament, we will be repeatedly reminded that this is a “blatant assault on democracy”. We will be unable to reach the Prime Minister himself for comment on this reputation-tarring (yet wholly inconsequential) attack.  As usual, we’ll be told that he was busy teaching talking points to his caucus.

The only truly positive feedback, I predict, will come from Senators. As always, they will be the only ones on the hill who actually work. “Maybe we’ll actually be more useful than the House of Commons this year!” one senator says when I run into him at the casino and propose this idea. He is literally red with excitement (or just flushed from the $2000 worth of booze and fine food he has probably just consumed on the Senate’s expense tab). “But don’t get your hopes up, that’s still not a given.”

Think about it, Mr. Prime Minister. You could go down in Canadian history as the Prime Minister who accepted the inevitable and decided to do nothing.  You’d be saving us more than a few good toonies, and you’d spare us from the cruel and unusual torture that is watching unnecessary political debates on Power and Politics. Hey, maybe you can use the time to get a haircut and work on another book about hockey!