The True North Times
  • For the sophisticated hoser
  • Ineligible for the Supreme Court
  • Peter Mansbridge’s bathroom reading material
  • First to podcast with Wilfrid Laurier
  • The only thing that Andrew Coyne DOESN'T hate
  • Yet to be castrated by Margaret Wente
  • Exporting Beaver Hides to the Metropol since 1608
  • Winnipeg? There?
  • Now with 60 minute hours!
  • It's Dynamite!

Welcome to the True North Times’ interpretation of 24/SEVEN: a recap of the past week in the life of the Prime Minister of Canada, and more.

 

 

What a busy week for the Prime Minister! We catch up with him over at the G7 summit, where him and the other leaders of the G7 countries talked about a variety of subjects, including the economy, Syria, Iran, North Korea, Ukraine, baseball, kites, and their favourite types of garbage bags.

Meanwhile, Laureen Harper flew to France with some war veterans to celebrate the anniversary of D-Day. Laureen, showing off her new tupperware she recently purchased from this man, was handing out cookies on the plane.

She then surfaced at a Canadian cemetery, where she gave a speech in front of a couple hundred Canadians. Inspiring words were delivered.

“Now students, if there is one thing you should take away from our time in France, let it be this: it is good and it is right that you are here.”

Later, an “official” Canadian ceremony was held at Juno Beach, where a single school, Centre Dufferin from Ontario, was recognized for their work to ensure that these veterans are never forgotten. The students presented our Prime Minister with two hockey jerseys, with the number seven on them, representing the amount of days in the week.

It was off to Ukraine after that for the PM, as he visited the newly elected Ukrainian Prime Minister. Bilateral talks also took place, which means that they basically talked about themselves.

Stephen Harper returned to Canada just in time to meet up with Tony Abbott, the Australian Prime Minister. It is unclear as to what exactly the Aussie was doing in Canada, but speculation maintains that he was “shocked” when he found out our kangaroos walked on four legs and some had antlers.

He then made it to the funerals of the three Canadian mounties that were killed in the line of duty last week in Moncton. Even with his busy schedule, the PM always makes time to pay respect.

And at the end of this week’s video, we get a sneak peek into a proposed expedition into the Victoria Strait. It is again unclear as to what exactly they are planning to do once there, but they are trying to ensure that it takes place during the off-season of hockey.

 

Here’s what they missed:

Turns out, Tony Abbott did have a purpose in Canada! He maintained a bit of a circle jerk mutual agreement with the Prime Minister of Canada about climate change. Why jeopardize jobs over this measly little planet of ours? Jobs are definitely of more importance.

According to the Vancouver Sun, Harper has seemed to hint at accepting the Northern Gateway Pipeline, seeking “expert advice.” Seems as if the Sun is reaching a bit here, though.

 

Thanks for reading! We hope you enjoyed this segment of weekly government propaganda.