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The following is at best a somewhat accurate approximation of the speech Stephen Harper just delivered


Let’s be clear. I lost. But really, we lost, because I was all that held this country together. If not unified by hatred of the niqab, what is Canada? What are Canadians? I’ll tell you what they are. Ka-ching, they’re poorer. With Justin Trudeau’s hands in their pockets, they are certainly aroused, but also – ka-ching – significantly poorer.

The good news is that we beat Tom Mulcair. Ka-ching, he’s gone. Sure, I set out to wipe the Liberal Party off the map, but sometimes life throws you a curveball. Hey, you guys got a big curveball in 2011. How’d that work out?

Anyway, my dear friends…who am I kidding, I don’t like most of you. You figured that out after the last election, when a couple of you voted for me, a whole bunch of you stayed home, and somehow I escaped with the power to do whatever I wanted for nearly 5 years. But, as Kanye said in that Kid Cudi song, “all good things gotta come to an end.” Again, who am I kidding, just ask John Oliver; I don’t like black people.

Now, please, take a look at these pictures of me holding dildos. Let them be a reminder of just how shitty a Prime Minister I was. This is what you did with my image. This is how I impacted Canadian popular culture. If you thought Brian Mulroney was bad, you redefined bad during my tenure.

Who is going to replace me? My money is on Doug Ford. You guys thought I didn’t like him? Are you kidding me now? Standing around looking uncomfortable is how I show excitement. Honestly, though, my money in on Olivia Chow. She’ll run for anything

So, Canada, up yours. That means you, especially if you like to vote. I’m off to seize control of the Parents’ Association at my daughter’s school…it’s the one thing I can still control. Harper out.

Oh, and someone please tell Paul Calandra that he deserved to lose. Anyone who does everything I say deserves to lose. That’s right Pierre Poilievre, your clock is ticking.