The True North Times
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So, apparently, there’s an election going on right now to chose which people are going to represent us in the House of Commons. Unlike our American brethren, we don’t directly elect our leader (although the three stooges who expect to get the job all seem to think we do). No, Canadians elect individual members of Parliament- the role of the Prime Minister isn’t even outlined in our Constitution! Kind of an important thing to miss, but our founding fathers were pre-occupied at the time with keeping the Americans out, the French in and making the native people disappear (something their successors are still working on).

By convention, the Governor General (yes the unelected seat warmer hand picked by her majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen in Right of Canada) selects the person most likely to hold the confidence (support) of the Commons to form the government. This is usually the leader of the largest party, BUT it doesn’t have to be. Actually, the PM doesn’t even have to be in Parliament-Christy Clarke remained Premier of BC after losing her own seat and two of our Prime Ministers have actually been members of the Senate, while John Turner never even held a House seat as PM.

Thus, in the event that neither Trudeau, Mulcair, or Harper can hold the confidence of the House after October 19th, I offer ten suggestions for alternatives:


10.  Green Party Leader Elizabeth May 

This endorsement has nothing to do with her promising to abolition tuition...really!

This endorsement has nothing to do with her promising to abolition tuition…really!

The Green Party of Canada’s first elected Member of Parliament and its current Leader would be an obvious choice for PM. She’s an excellent MP who works across party lines-already planning to hammer together a coalition after October 19th if Harper wins a minority.  Like obtaining the Philosopher’s Stone, she doesn’t want power- but why not make her the leader of this coalition.


9.  Conservative Candidate Cheryl Gallant 

Shooting Myself in the Foot is What I'm Good At! Out of Doors Mag

Shooting Myself in the Foot is What I’m Good At!
Out of Doors Mag

Having considered our far left, its time we consider our far right, and there isn’t anyone more suited to lead than the longest serving Conservative female MP (without a government position), Cheryl Gallant. From her Margaret Thatcher-esque hair to her frequent bozo eruptions (claiming PTSD was a stigma within soldiers themselves, for one)-she’s a perfect candidate. The far right would never elect another MP after a month of her! The Conservative Party would be toast and even Preston Manning and Stockwell Day would be turning over in their graves (as her election would likely kill them).


8.  Morgan Freeman 

I can act like a President (so I can certainly act like a Prime Minister)

I can act like a President (so I can certainly act like a Prime Minister)
Rex Features

Although not Canadian, with his voice and experience acting like a world leader (such as President Tom Beck in Deep Impact and God in Bruce Almighty) Morgan Freeman is easily a trustworthy candidate Canadians of all political stripes could like. True he’s just an actor, but we’ve had someone acting like our PM for years already. At least Freeman has some talent (if not real experience).


7. Graham Greene

I'd like to thank everyone for this honour

I’d like to thank everyone for this honour

Already recognized around the world, First Nations actor Graham Greene would have no trouble taking to the global stage. Having starred in films like Dances With Wolves and TV shows like Defiance, he certainly has leadership training and experience dealing with diplomacy. Also its about bloody time that Canada had a First Nations Prime Minister. I mean come on people, the US already has a black president. We gotta catch up!


6. A Zombie 

There are no brains in Ottawa! Seriously...

There are no brains in Ottawa! Seriously…
Walking Dead

Although some may consider them better suited as a mere Conservative back bencher (just moaning in unison on cue), having a zombie for a PM would not be a bad thing. It would take away power from the PMO and give MPs a chance to have a hand in the decision making. With the lack of brains in the House of Commons (and Ottawa in general), the zombie PM would of course be able to focus on her job with things like health care and property rights being top of the agenda! Plus what better way to survive the looming World War Z than with a zombie at the helm (they’ll know all their weaknesses).


5. Laura Roslin, President of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol 

My predecessor in the Twelve Colonies was an ass too!

My predecessor in the Twelve Colonies was an ass too!
Battlestar Galactica

When it comes to leading a people from the brink of annihilation there really isn’t anyone better! When the Twelve Worlds of Man (Twelve Colonies of Kobol) were destroyed by the Cylon’s surprise attack, this former kindergarten teacher from Caprica became President of the Twelve Colonies, despite being Secretary of Education and 42nd in the Line of Succession. Driven by religious visions -sometimes bordering on fanaticism (great for the religious right)- she nevertheless is very much a modern woman, such as being a supporter of abortion and gay rights. She likes getting her way and her governing style (and choice of VPs) is suspect at times, but she always does what must be done (she’s like the Margaret Thatcher of Space). So Say We All.


4. President Snow 

The actor who plays me is Canadian too!

The actor who plays me is Canadian, BUT  can’t vote…who needs democracy anyway!
The Hunger Games

Having run the post apocolyptic dystiopia which is Panam, and with Canada heading on the same course, why not make sure that our leader is at least competent (even if he is evil). We’ve spent ten years with a totalitarian leader who isn’t competent…so Snow might be a surprisingly progressive change. Thankfully I’m over 18.


3. Hottest Man in Canada, Simon Dunn

It's about time to get this nation back into shape! And I'm the one to do it!

It’s about time to get this nation back into shape! And I’m the one to do it!
Actual Net

Calgary’s Simon Dunn-reformed rugby player and Aussie currently training for bobsledding- is the hottest man in the world. With all the talk about Justin Trudeau’s hair I’m surprised Dunn didn’t come up before as an option -I mean he’s just …well…who cares what his politics are. Sploosh! He can be Canada’s face (and torso and legs) to the world so we no longer turn our backs on those beyond our borders (although his back and butt are great too). With him representing us at face value it will leave the rest to the 300 odd MPs to actually do their job and work for once!


2. Sansa Stark (Lannister, Bolton)

The North Remembers; Winter is Coming.

The North Remembers; Winter is Coming.
Game of Thrones

 Lady Sansa of House Stark (wed in the Light of the Seven to Tyrion Lannister-who was tried for murder and later wed to Ramsay Boulton-who was a murderer) would be an ideal Prime Ministerial candidate. She’s the eldest daughter and sister of great leaders (who were perhaps too benevolent and lost their heads for it) and has been schooled in politics by the best of the best. Smart, kind-not really funny but a real leader of whom great things could come; even if they weren’t originally expected. She’s also used to the cold, which is good, since after this election Winter is coming.


1. Sergeant Hans Scultz

And last but not least our top pick for Prime Minister is non-other than Sergeant Hans Schultz!

Hopefully he's not too much like Harper!

Hopefully he’s not too much like Harper!
Hogan’s Heroes

Everybody’s favourite World War II era German sergeant-the bumbling Schultz was the second in command at Luftstalag 13 -a prison camp from which no one ever escaped (to the German’s knowledge); at least in the fictional CBS television series Hogans Heroes. Actually it was base camp for a huge allied underground operation orchestrated by the prisoners to disrupt the German war effort and get escapees from less efficient prison camps out of Germany. Often this was done with the complicity of Schultz who when asked often replied “I see nothing, I know nothing, I hear nothing!” Much like our current Prime Minister does!

Schultz was not a Nazi, he once confessed to be a Social Democrat (they’re kinda the NDP-Liberals of Germany) and was owner of the most popular toy company in Germany-before it was taken over for armaments production. With such social democratic values, Harperlike ignorance of whats going on under his nose, economic experience, bumbling or no-clearly if Hans Schultz actually existed and were still alive he would be the best choice for Prime Minister.

Of course the Governor General will never break with convention and appoint someone outside of the Commons as PM. If they were he’d probably be asked to replace the whole bally lot of them!