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Conservative Party fortunes have been making their way round and round the toilet bowl for some time. Now, as the Duffy trial exposes the rotten core of the PMO and, by association, weakens the Conservative and Harper brands, Canadians have to wonder who is going to save the united right. Are you wondering yet? If you are, stop. We have an answer. If the Conservatives lose the October 19 election and Stephen Harper resigns as leader of the party, Doug Ford plans to take a run at the leadership.

Rob Ford dropped the news on Thursday, saying that a run at the leadership makes sense because Doug figures he’s “as popular as anyone else across Canada.” Hold on, Rob. Even more popular than you?

Doug set the record straight by saying that, while he would run in theory, he doesn’t want to because he still loves Harper and hopes that he will be Prime Minister “for the next 20 years.” He added that he has actively supported the Prime Minister during this campaign: “[I] have been out there — door-knocking and helping out every which way I can.” Perhaps now we know why, independent of the Senate scandal, the Conservatives have been tanking so hard…

For his part, Doug Ford thinks it’s unlikely that he’ll have to run because, “ultimately, people will come to their senses and vote for Harper.” This wasn’t Ford’s first attempt at prophesying, but it may yet be his most famous. Famous, of course, because it shows how painfully out of touch he and his brother are.

A Forum poll released on August 21 shows that the Conservatives enjoy second choice support from just 8% of voters, but that won’t stop both Ford brothers from predicting a Conservative victory. Spitting in the face of every pollster out there, Rob goes so far as to predict a Liberal opposition. In addition, as the Senate scandal continues to drive voters away from the Conservative party, both brothers think that the Senate scandal will have no effect on Conservative returns at the ballot box. And Rob adds that Justin Trudeau is a surprisingly “big guy.” Out of touch, perhaps, but astute when it counts.

Apparently forgetting that he might try to steal his job, Doug assumed the role of a Conservative spokesperson, saying that Harper is a “straight shooter” who is “as honest as the day is long.” That makes sense if Etobicoke is Jupiter (where days last less than ten hours). It also explains how, living on Jupiter, a relatively rapidly spinning planet, Ford is so inclined to, well, spin things.

In any case, we here at The True North Times throw Doug Ford our unconditional support* in his bid for the federal Conservative leadership.

* for mostly comedic purposes