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Recent documents revealed that Canadian Navy mechanics in Halifax had to search eBay for parts to keep HMCS Preserver, one of the nation’s two supply ships, afloat. The 45-year-old ship is set to retire within the next year, but mechanics had to search the web for the best deals on vintage parts to keep the ship chugging. They probably don’t have a big cut of the defence budget for retro ships with all this talk of modern F-35s.

To some, it might seem embarrassing that a military has to search online for its gear. Others might counter that online thrift shopping is a great way to save money and find good quality products. With all the debate over whether official Canadian government-funded organizations should buy products through sources like eBay, we must be informed. Here are the top seven online buys Canadian officials should probably make today:

1. Apparently the Harper government is curious about what Chrétien and Putin discussed in their meeting earlier this month. Why be curious when the Harper government can just know what’s being said with the Harry Potter Extendable Ear Listening Device with Earphone for only $60.51 plus shipping and import fees?

“I’m listening in now, sir, but I still can’t understand either of them.”
Universal Studio

 

2. The other week, Justin Trudeau discussed his proposed two billion dollar Canada Child Benefit plan. At such a cost, NDP and Conservative critics might want to invest in the Spy Vision Scope. At $49.99, the scope will help critics magnify and read the fine print of Trudeau’s plan to raise the required funds–oh, wait, maybe there’s no fine-print.  Hold on, maybe there’s no print at all. Apparently, Trudeau says Canadians have been very patient and will have to wait and see how he’ll come up with the cash for his plan.

 

“I’m so excited to use this toy to read government documents.”
Spy Gear

 

3.  The RCMP has come under scrutiny for allegations of the illegal destruction of long gun registry records. The CBC reported, “To cover the RCMP’s tracks, the government’s most recent budget bill exempts all long gun registry records from the Access to Information Act, as well as any investigations, complaints or judicial proceedings related to those records—and backdates the changes to October 2011, when the bill to end the long gun registry was first introduced in Parliament.” Why go through all this bureaucratic semantic kerfuffle when the government can just burn the long gun registry records with a Gibson BBQ Bolt Action Rifle Gun Lighter for only $12.12 plus shipping?

 

“Yeehaw! Light ‘em up boys!”
Gibson

 

4. The Senate has been going through some tough times recently. Some of them probably wish they could take back things they’ve said or written, or get rid of contentious documents. But what’s the need for paper documents when the Senate can buy and constantly communicate through Hello Kitty Walkie Talkies for only $19.99. They’re super cute, and can’t store any controversial data!

 

Pamela, hi, it’s Mike Duffy speaking.” 
Sakar International

 

5. Steve Campana, a recently retired Fisheries and Oceans Canada biologist, has said some strong words about the muzzling of federal government scientists. Despite these words, Tony Clement dismissed the idea that federal scientists are being muzzled. Clement wouldn’t have had to dismiss Campana’s comments if he’d never heard them in the first place. All he needs is Accoutrements I’m Not Listening Earplugs, which come in at only $5.72 with FREE shipping on orders over $35?

 

“Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!”
Accoutrements

 

 

6. With Mulcair’s beard once again popping into the media spotlight this year, most Canadians are probably wondering how looks so youthful while maintaining that wise vibe of an old man. Is it natural? It’s hard to know. Number 5 on the list is probably something Mulcair already buys, but is a recommendation for anyone trying to mimic his vibrant-yet-sage look. At around $10, Just For Men’s Touch of Grey Mustache & Beard should do the trick.

 

Get rid of some grey, not all.
Just for Men

 

7. Finally, for any official not directly following the Conservative government’s mandate, you’re probably wondering what will happen to your privacy with the passing of Bill C-51 earlier this month. With enhanced powers granted to CSIS and the RCMP to delve into your personal information and communications, you might consider investing in the Spy Gear Voice Changer for only $14.99. With eight voice effects including “alien,” “chipmunk,” and “man,” you’ll be sure to remain anonymous in all your conversations.

 

“Oh my god, the chipmunk one sounds like I just did some Helium.”
Spy Gear

 

Those mechanics from Halifax sure started something when they bought replacement parts online. Now you know several other buys Canadian officials might want to make today. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether you care about online procurements or not. If you do, take your voice to the place where it has most impact: online CBC comment boards.