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Sure, Budget 2015 arrived late, but boy did it ever arrive in style. First introduced in a jacket factory, the budget arrived on Parliament Hill on April 21 and is now starting a cross-country TV tour. Wouldn’t we all like to be so lucky!

Thankfully, our benevolent comrades on the Hill made sure that Budget 2015 would let the good times roll for a few choice Canadians. Sure, there are a few losers in there, but that’s okay. Good governance is a zero-sum game.

On that note, let us present our list of 7 winners and 3 losers following the release of this federal budget.

 

Winners

 1. Seniors

Finance Minister Oliver had to pull a few strings and twist a few titties to make the numbers look good. Seniors will enjoy the good times over the next few years, but will be dead before the shit inevitably hits the fan.

 

2. The Wealthy

 

With Diamond Joe at the helm, all they do is win, win, win, no matter what.

 

3. The CRA

 

With all these tax cuts, the good folks at the CRA suddenly have a lot less work to do.

 

4. Big Business

 

Gotta keep the base happy!

 

5. Opposition Politicians

 

Sometimes they have to reach pretty far and bend the truth to criticize, but this budget is really crappy, so these guys can take it easy.

 

6. Adrenaline Junkies

 

This surplus is razor-thin, and could collapse at any moment. That type of suspense provides a great rush!

 

7. People who don’t like the contingency fund

 

Good news for them: after Budget 2015, it’s pretty much gone!

 

Losers

 

1. GM Shareholders

GM

 

The feds sold more than 70 million shares in GM in an effort to balance the budget. That has to hurt for people who still own stock in the company.

 

2. Stephen Harper’s granddaughter

 

Joe Oliver agreed that doubling the Tax Free Savings Account contribution limit will cause revenue shortfalls for future governments, but he thinks it’s fine to offload that problem to Stephen Harper’s granddaughter. Poor unborn/as-of-yet-imaginary girl…

 

3. Anyone who uses the internet

 

With lots of money dedicated to security measures, this budget promises to make life hell for average folks who accidentally visit a site on the government watch list…for example: liberal.ca.