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Everyone is making noise about Bill C-51, Stephen Harper’s latest terror bill. Okay, Evan Solomon is making most of the noise, but the rest of us are still thinking about it. Without digging too deep into the relevant public discourse, it seems that there is a prevailing belief that terror legislation should stop terrorists without restricting personal freedoms of law-abiding citizens. Obvious question: how the hell is that supposed to work? Is the terror threat real or imaginary? If terrorists are indeed all around us, and if Stephen Harper wants to stop them, he should cut the baby step crap and try his hand at one of many more effective strategies:

 

1. Bill C-AGES

This one is cheap and simple. Every Canadian lives in a cage, so interpersonal conflict is impossible. The last guy to lock the second last guy in a cage has to live away from everyone else—probably on Sable Island. Cages are connected by cup-and-string telephones in order to protect freedoms of thought, speech, and association.

 

2. Bill C-3P0

Rather than policing the internet—our modern virtual reality—while people run amok on Earth, the government hires EA Sports or Rockstar (competitive bidding process!) to turn Canada into an internet video game. Each citizen receives a life-like avatar through which they can do just about anything. Since all characters are backed up on a central hard drive, no one can ever really die. Far from restricting freedoms, this bill creates them. Life becomes fun! And pointless.

 

Life in Canada will be more fun…and safer…when people can do whatever they want, knowing that they will, at worst, respawn at a local hospital.

Life in Canada will be more fun…. and a lot safer. People can do whatever they want knowing that they will, at worst, respawn at a local hospital or outside a courthouse.
Patrick Brown

3. Bill C-HANGE OUR NAME

Last week, Harper said that Canadians “are targeted by these terrorists for no other reason than that we are Canadians.” If it’s that simple, maybe it’s time for a name change.

 

4. Bill C-UT AND RUN

In that same speech, Harper also said that terrorists “want to harm [Canadians] because they hate our society and the values it represents.” Most Canadians I know spend very little time talking about national values. On the other hand, our Prime Minister can barely finish a sentence without talking about how he instills values in everything around him. Maybe it’s time he ran to the hills and saved us all a bit of trouble.

 

In deciding which bill to pass, Harper needs to consider whether he takes the terrorist threat seriously or not. If he does, he should stop at nothing to protect the Canadian people. Let’s face it—his opposition will stop at nothing to endanger the Canadian people in the name of socialism and nature-worship. The Media Party will reinforce them. Harper has to stay one step ahead. Accordingly, Harper must use the surplus to buy about 30 million cages (their construction will reboot the manufacturing sector). Harper must keep Canadians safe from themselves; that’s his ticket to immortality. His glorious face and name will appear in the textbooks Canadian students will pass from cage to cage while listening to lessons taught through a cup and string. They will remember him. They will be safe.