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It appears that the Tories have made good on their promise to give Canada a surplus by the next Federal Election. The last time Canada boasted a surplus was in 2007, where it amounted to about 9.6 billion dollars (just over $10 billion today with inflation). Between 1997 and 2007 (8 years of which were spent under Liberal governments), we had always posted a surplus. It was the first time Canada had done so in decades, yet, for some reason, Conservative and former Alliance MPs refer to that decade as the “The Dark Years.”

The recession screwed things up a bit, but we’re finally back in the black. This surplus may be better than the marginal surplus of $3 billion predicted by the late Jim Flaherty—we may see an astounding $5 billion surplus! President of the Treasury Board MP Tony Clement admits that sliding oil prices may change the latest forecast slightly, but it will still mean more money in the pockets of hard working Canadian—or some of the hard working Canadians.

The Tories are still mum about how they plan to spend all this money so I’d like to provide them with a few ideas. In honour of the 2015 election, here are 15 ways the Conservatives could spend our surplus—or rather their surplus, since they’re the ones taking the credit for it:

 

1. Splurge on new planes, ships, and ports

Originally promised by the Tories, their administration inevitably put these projects on hold. The DND was told to tighten its belt, but now we should give our fighting men and women what they need and get around to defending the North instead of searching for second hand ships in less than mint condition.

 

We do have another ship up here...

We do have another ship up here…
THE CANADIAN PRESS/Adrian Wyld

 

 

2. Open the closed Veterans Affairs Offices and paying back the DND

Our veterans deserve to be properly supported so that, 100 years from now, we can use the DND and Veterans Affairs budget to commemorate those living today!

At the very least Tories need funding for the DND and Veterans Affairs for photo-ops

At the very least, Tories need to fund the DND and Veterans Affairs so they can keep using veterans for photo-ops
DALE DE LA REY, AFP/Getty Images

 

 

3. Cover the pensions they took away from the workers at AECL Chalk River Laboratories

Additionally, covering a hefty settlement for the anxiety and grief caused by their lack of foresight in the sale of AECL to a private enterprise. Cheryl Gallant routinely touts how much her government does for Chalk River Laboratories and, if she doesn’t call on the government to do this, then I can use it in my campaign against her in Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke.

 

 

 

4. Give most of it to the CBC so that they can actually fulfill their mandate

We don’t want to lose Rick Mercer, Peter Mansbridge, or Murdoch Mysteries to the United States. Maybe the CBC would even be able to buy back Hockey Night in Canada! Most importantly, they’d be able to cut back on their advertising so we wouldn’t have to see ads for the Tories on the margin of the screen.

 

TV CBC Documentary Cuts 20140623

If all else fails, we’ll turn to Netflix
CBC

 

 

5. Repair the House of Commons

I know that they can’t repair our democracy with the money, but they could at least make sure the ceiling doesn’t fall down on our MPs and Senators. Not all of them are lazy, corrupt, or stupid.

 

Of course since not all MPs are present most days we could let fixing the Commons rest

Of course, since not all MPs are present most days, maybe this isn’t the most useful option…
Adrian Wyld/Canadian Press

 

 

6. Increase transfer payments to the provinces

Our social services are beginning to make the United States and Obamacare look good.

 

By Reform funding we always meant stop funding, particularly since the West has the money now! - Stephen Harper in his youthAlberta Diary

“By reform funding, we always meant stop funding, particularly since the West has the money now!”
– Stephen Harper in his youth
Alberta Diary

 

 

7. Fund an inquiry into missing and murdered Aboriginal women

And missing and murdered Aboriginal men, and how about missing and murdered …well everyone who has been missing and murdered. Because everyone is important and we want to get to the root cause of why Aboriginals are at greater risk of homicide. Could our politicians be setting an example with how they treat each other in the House?

 

...Or we could wait for the next Minister of Aboriginal Affaires (an actual Aboriginal) to organize one!

Given how the polls are going, at least the next Minister of Aboriginal Affairs may actually be an Aboriginal…
Liberal Candidates

 

 

8. Buy every Canadian a coffee and breakfast sandwich at Tim Horton’s for a month

After all, the Conservatives are all “Tim Horton’s Canadians” and it’s one of their former bases.

 

A match made in fast-food heaven: Will this change things? Christopher Millette/Erie Times News

Plus. maybe a Whopper too?
Christopher Millette/Erie Times News

 

 

9. Give more money to art, sports, and Culture in general

That way we don’t lose even more talent (and intellect) to our neighbors south of the border.

 

Even though Hockey is part of our culture too...

Even though Hockey is part of our culture too…
A Great Game

 

 

10. Host regular First Minister’s Conferences

Communication is crucial to maintaining a good marriage. That’s why nearly 40% of marriages end in divorce. Let’s make sure Canada’s doesn’t become one of them.

 

I mean with Premiers that look like that, who could resist hosting a conference...just to be in the same room as them! Acadie Nouvelle

I mean when Premiers look like that, who could resist hosting a conference just to be in the same room as them!
Acadie Nouvelle

 

 

11. Bring aboriginal communities up to code (the code of the 21st, not the 19th century)

Without the aboriginals’ ancestors, our ancestors would have frozen, starved, or been eaten by beavers and moose. We kind of owe them, particularly since we took all their land.

 

Well, that's fairly accurate

Well, that’s fairly accurate
GRAEME MACKAY

 

 

12. Use the money to invest in infrastructure

Justin Trudeau wants to invest in roads, hospitals, manufacturing, technology, and transportation. Why not give it a try?

 

I suppose that is just another foolish weed induced idea (for clarity this is sarcastic) Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press

Probably another foolish weed induced idea
Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press

 

13.Pay back Nigel Wright for the 90,000 dollars he gave Mike Duffy

I mean, poor Nigel Wright was so selfless when he gave away that money, it only seems right.

 

If our system of government lived a healthier lifestyle we could avoid clogs like this!

If our system of government lived a healthier lifestyle, we could avoid clogs like this!
Bruce MacKinnon — National Newswatch

 

 

14. Use it to fund a new Tory Leadership Convention

According to the hallowed Conrad Black, they won’t win the next election with Harper at the helm. According to some of the most recent polls if Harper leads his party in the next election, he could do to the Conservative’s what Ignatieff did to the Liberals (bump them to third place).

 

Michael IgnatieffSee ya Canada!

I want to be alone-tell my Tory and NDP fans to leave me in peace !
Michael Ignatieff

 

 

And my personal favourite:

 

15. Buy a ruby encrusted crown for the coronation of the next Prime Minister of Canada…

And use what is left over to send the loser on a one way trip to Mars, that way the first man on Mars can be a Canadian. Plus, if Harper wins re-election, that crown will look great on him!

 

Wouldn't a crown look great on on of those heads after the next election? And on the other twenty years from now....

Wouldn’t a crown look great on one of those heads after the next election? And on the other one twenty years from now….