It appears that the Tories have made good on their promise to give Canada a surplus by the next Federal Election. The last time Canada boasted a surplus was in 2007, where it amounted to about 9.6 billion dollars (just over $10 billion today with inflation). Between 1997 and 2007 (8 years of which were spent under Liberal governments), we had always posted a surplus. It was the first time Canada had done so in decades, yet, for some reason, Conservative and former Alliance MPs refer to that decade as the “The Dark Years.”
The recession screwed things up a bit, but we’re finally back in the black. This surplus may be better than the marginal surplus of $3 billion predicted by the late Jim Flaherty—we may see an astounding $5 billion surplus! President of the Treasury Board MP Tony Clement admits that sliding oil prices may change the latest forecast slightly, but it will still mean more money in the pockets of hard working Canadian—or some of the hard working Canadians.
The Tories are still mum about how they plan to spend all this money so I’d like to provide them with a few ideas. In honour of the 2015 election, here are 15 ways the Conservatives could spend our surplus—or rather their surplus, since they’re the ones taking the credit for it:
1. Splurge on new planes, ships, and ports
Originally promised by the Tories, their administration inevitably put these projects on hold. The DND was told to tighten its belt, but now we should give our fighting men and women what they need and get around to defending the North instead of searching for second hand ships in less than mint condition.
2. Open the closed Veterans Affairs Offices and paying back the DND
Our veterans deserve to be properly supported so that, 100 years from now, we can use the DND and Veterans Affairs budget to commemorate those living today!
3. Cover the pensions they took away from the workers at AECL Chalk River Laboratories
Additionally, covering a hefty settlement for the anxiety and grief caused by their lack of foresight in the sale of AECL to a private enterprise. Cheryl Gallant routinely touts how much her government does for Chalk River Laboratories and, if she doesn’t call on the government to do this, then I can use it in my campaign against her in Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke.
4. Give most of it to the CBC so that they can actually fulfill their mandate
We don’t want to lose Rick Mercer, Peter Mansbridge, or Murdoch Mysteries to the United States. Maybe the CBC would even be able to buy back Hockey Night in Canada! Most importantly, they’d be able to cut back on their advertising so we wouldn’t have to see ads for the Tories on the margin of the screen.
5. Repair the House of Commons
I know that they can’t repair our democracy with the money, but they could at least make sure the ceiling doesn’t fall down on our MPs and Senators. Not all of them are lazy, corrupt, or stupid.
6. Increase transfer payments to the provinces
Our social services are beginning to make the United States and Obamacare look good.
7. Fund an inquiry into missing and murdered Aboriginal women
And missing and murdered Aboriginal men, and how about missing and murdered …well everyone who has been missing and murdered. Because everyone is important and we want to get to the root cause of why Aboriginals are at greater risk of homicide. Could our politicians be setting an example with how they treat each other in the House?
8. Buy every Canadian a coffee and breakfast sandwich at Tim Horton’s for a month
After all, the Conservatives are all “Tim Horton’s Canadians” and it’s one of their former bases.
9. Give more money to art, sports, and Culture in general
That way we don’t lose even more talent (and intellect) to our neighbors south of the border.
10. Host regular First Minister’s Conferences
Communication is crucial to maintaining a good marriage. That’s why nearly 40% of marriages end in divorce. Let’s make sure Canada’s doesn’t become one of them.
11. Bring aboriginal communities up to code (the code of the 21st, not the 19th century)
Without the aboriginals’ ancestors, our ancestors would have frozen, starved, or been eaten by beavers and moose. We kind of owe them, particularly since we took all their land.
12. Use the money to invest in infrastructure
Justin Trudeau wants to invest in roads, hospitals, manufacturing, technology, and transportation. Why not give it a try?
13.Pay back Nigel Wright for the 90,000 dollars he gave Mike Duffy
I mean, poor Nigel Wright was so selfless when he gave away that money, it only seems right.
14. Use it to fund a new Tory Leadership Convention
According to the hallowed Conrad Black, they won’t win the next election with Harper at the helm. According to some of the most recent polls if Harper leads his party in the next election, he could do to the Conservative’s what Ignatieff did to the Liberals (bump them to third place).
And my personal favourite:
15. Buy a ruby encrusted crown for the coronation of the next Prime Minister of Canada…
And use what is left over to send the loser on a one way trip to Mars, that way the first man on Mars can be a Canadian. Plus, if Harper wins re-election, that crown will look great on him!