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As the list of Canada’s cabinet secrets pile up, the government’s blanket of secrecy continues to broaden. The federal Conservative government increasingly considers routine issues—from Canada’s feelings about chemical weapons to basic economic forecasts—as cabinet confidences, which can remain sealed from the public for 20 years. With the gossip going ‘round, Harper and company might want to remember, “secrets, secrets are no fun; secrets, secrets hurt someone.”

The first big secret all Canadians need to worry about is that some of our military have difficulty getting big–yes, that’s right, the Harper government considers sexual dysfunction in Canada’s military a cabinet secret. It’s probably already an uncomfortable issue to talk about for the personnel who need a little something extra to prepare for their night off, but some might find solace in the fact that many others face the same challenge. Still, the Harper government went ahead and decided the issue is so sensitive and embarrassing that nobody in the entire country should know or talk about it for at least the next 20 years. Wait a second. Did Harper ever serve in our military? Maybe he’s making this a secret for a reason…

 

HNicole Ellerton

Sorry boys, Laureen needs me.
Nicole Ellerton | Remy Steinegger/World Economic Forum

 

In his usual pesky and annoying “I care about democracy” sort of tone, former Parliamentary Budget Officer Kevin Page voiced his concern for the movement toward secrecy. Apparently, he couldn’t get access to a lot of important information—including everything from crime bills to department spending restraints—when he was PBO. Well duh, why would the government give the PBO access to information that could suggest the government isn’t doing a good job? Better to keep that under wraps.  The government almost definitely doesn’t want citizens to know how much money they’re spending on weekly bouncy castle parties.

What do Canadians have to worry about going forward? Well, let’s be honest, absolutely nothing! Everything is good. Everything is cool. If it wasn’t, our government would tell us about it right? Soon enough FIPA will be a cabinet secret and all our worries will truly vanish!