This week, meteorologists at Environment Canada put their lives on the line by notifying Calgarians that fall was canceled. Residents were told that C-town would be skipping straight to winter with 5 cm of snow this week. Since we’re already chucking the laws of nature out the window, here are two possible reasons why Santa may be stampeding early this year.
Scenario #1: Alison Redford has depleted the province’s finances to such a point that the legislature decided to cancel fall.
Alison Redford’s career as the province’s first female premier took a turn for the worse this past year after it was discovered that she used public funds and government aircraft for private purposes. Apparently, she’s not done yet. Even after her resignation and departure, the ghost of Redford still haunts the halls of the Alberta Legislative Assembly, spooking everyone with a terrifyingly expensive portrait bill. Now, for the whopping price of $12,000, employees in the Assembly get to walk past Redford’s loving gaze every day.
How does all of this connect to the snowstorm, you ask? Well, here’s a theory: what if Redford emptied the province’s coffers so completely that the leadership had no choice but to cancel all of Fall? Think of all the money they could save! No need to keep watering plants in public parks in the early season, no need to hire street cleaners with those obnoxiously loud leaf blowers in the late season. If you think this isn’t a sound financial strategy (since the winter cleanup is going to cost more than all of that), remember two things: firstly, this is Alberta and financially sound plans aren’t exactly their forte; secondly, if Alberta is anything like Quebec this time of year, they weren’t planning to clean up the snow anyway.
Scenario #2: Jim Prentice wants to show Naheed Nenshi who’s boss
The Race to Replace Redford came to a head this week, when Jim Prentice won the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party in a landslide election. Throughout the campaign, Calgary mayor Naheed Nenshi complained that none of the candidates had a clear plan to address issues surrounding the province’s municipalities. Now that Prentice has won the leadership, Nenshi has prepared a plan outlining key issues he wants Prentice to address. Now, if I were Prentice, I wouldn’t stand for this insolence from a puny city mayor. Calling up some snow seems like a good way to put Nenshi in his place. What was he thinking, anyway? He should know better than to pester the almighty Prentice by holding him accountable and advocating for his constituents’ demands!’
Or maybe some kid just wished that the NHL season would start sooner, and his wish came true. I don’t know, but it’s Goddamn snowing in Calgary. Anything is possible.