Each week, Kyle Muzyka sifts through what our PM has been up to in this column, The Radical Adventures of Stephen Harper, for your personal enjoyment. (You can see his archived reviews of 24/SEVEN here.)
Welcome to this week’s edition of The Radical Adventures of Stephen Harper! You’re looking well. This week, we catch Harper in the midst of his annual Northern tour, where he travelled around the northern part of our beautiful country. The visit was during the summer, so it doesn’t really count for much, but he was there, I guess.
Our Prime Minister announced a new Arctic program for the National Research Council this week, going on to say that “our government believes that scientific knowledge and discovery are essential.” Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
He also made his way to a garden, where he decided that he was going to take a firm stance in the heated debate, “is agriculture good?” Though controversial, Harper stands by his decision that agriculture is indeed good.
Additionally, he became the first Prime Minister to sail part of the famous Northwest Passage, which is definitely important and may be a question on Jeopardy! one day.
He also took part in the search for Franklin’s Lost Expedition, an expedition that attempted to explore the last of the unnavigated Northwest Passage that was lost in the mid-1800s. He “spent time with the crew,” pointed at screens, and got in the way, probably.
The leader of Canada picked up a hockey stick and played a little ball hockey with some kids from Nunavut for the camera, which was a nice touch. It shows that that man can really do it all.
Finally, the last thing he did according to 24SEVEN was hang out while Operation NANOOK took place. This was a huge training exercise for the Canadian Armed Forces, one that is done every year. It was very realistic, except for, you know, all of the cameras around watching them rappel from helicopters.
Of course, there are other things our Prime Minister did, or didn’t do.
If there’s one thing Stephen Harper does well, it’s choose a side. He did just that, saying that the murder of a 15-year-old aboriginal teen was simply a “crime,” and not a “sociological phenomenon.” Whether you’re on his side or not, Harper burned a few bridges with that statement. There are a lot of things that should probably at least be looked into by the Prime Minister, and the murders of hundreds of aboriginal women would definitely be one of them.
Another week, another Ice Bucket Challenge, this time issued by friend of the True North Times Leonardo DiCaprio. Harper continues to evade dumping ice water on his head, saying that he donated to the ALS Foundation instead. Maybe you should have used some of that permafrost that you were holding last week!
He also vowed to find the aforementioned Franklin Expedition, stating that it was important for Canadian sovereignty, though he most likely wants to find it just so he can take a photo with it wearing a pirate hat and an eyepatch.
Finally, in an opinion piece this week, I stumbled across of the best things I have ever read in my life. It concerns Stephen Harper, Canadians, and their love for Tim Hortons, in the light of the new deal they have made with Burger King.
From Susan Delacourt in her 2013 book Shopping for Votes:
“Tim Hortons voters don’t like fancy, foreign synonyms for their morning coffee and they like their politics to be predictable, beige — just like the doughnuts and decor at their national treasure of a food retailer.”
What an observation. If there’s anything I’ve learned from writing this column, it’s that our Prime Minister is one boring man. It could explain why he loves Tim Hortons so much. Their coffee is the norm, a routine that is cemented itself into Canadian history. They create the illusion of a dynamic business, introducing a new product every two weeks, but in the end, they will continue to dish out Boston creams and double-doubles at exponential rates to Canadians willing to pay for them.
I’m not suggesting that the product-placement-type photos with Tim Hortons in Harper’s hand are a subliminal message for Canadians to vote for him based on the premise that he is just like them, but hopefully, thanks entirely to this column, Canadians can see that it’s more than just a general enjoyment of the product.
PHOTO OF THE WEEK
Is this the video where the cat plays the keyboard?
Adrian Wyld/The Vancouver Sun