The True North Times
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This summer I was offered a cushy job in the beautiful Quebec countryside. It was relaxing, with access to some amazing and oh-so-Canadian outdoor activities and, best of all, I was raking in the Benjamins (well, the Bordens, to be exact).

Rolling in them Bordens.
Canada Guide

 

I soon realized that one crucial aspect of my summer was missing. My connection to the Internet turned out to be about as strong as Stephen Harper’s connection to the general public. I had no issues getting over my Facebook addiction or my need to obsessively post every meal I had on Instagram, but there was one aspect of the Internet that I just couldn’t live without: news about Canadian politics. I came closer to experiencing withdrawal than I probably ever will in my entire life. You might say that I’m a news junkie, addicted to “staying informed.” I say, informed shminformed! I was separated from my prime source of entertainment for over 7 weeks and, when I finally returned, it was like surfacing from the depths of an ocean for a breath of fresh, maple-syrup scented air.

Well, to be honest, it didn’t smell quite that fresh. The air carried a rather putrid odour, stained with all kinds of weird news tidbits. Here are just a few whose stench I just couldn’t ignore.

Justin Trudeau’s family fell victim to one of the most Canadian break-ins ever. The intruder left a note telling the family that they should probably lock their doors, and even put some of their belongings outside to show them what they could have stolen. How nice! I’m sure they were just a good Samaritan, warning the Trudeau’s of—wait, no, they left the note on a line of butcher knives. Alright that’s not very Canadian. That’s all kinds of messed up. Here’s to hoping that the Trudeaus recover from their brush with something straight out of an Annabelle scene.

 

I’m coming for your charisma and your impeccably-combed hair!
Annabelle/Warner Bros

 

Moving on, Rob ford somehow managed to remain relevant in the Toronto elections. I suspect that, at this point in the elections, medical centres around the city must be getting flooded with cases of the new Election Exhaustia virus. Symptoms include nausea and vomiting upon seeing, hearing, or in any other way apprehending any iota of information about the mayoral race; unhinged anger and violence at mayoral posters around the city; and finally, yelling and screaming at the TV when the 6000th debate comes on the air. In any case, Rob Ford remains in the top three contenders for the position, surpassing even Olivia Chow who, in turn, wants you to know that she’s still not male, and not white. Good on you, Olivia.

With regards to curbing your acute Election Exhaustia symptoms, the unqualified medical experts at the True North Times suggest you go to bed immediately, and wake up the day after the election is held.

 

Wake me up when October ends!
Green Day

 

Finally, former premier and Bloc Québecois MP came back from the dead a short while ago just to let us know that he still freakin’ hates Brian Mulroney, and that the Bloc Québecois was supposed to be a one-time thing. Trying to explain why the Bloc shouldn’t have been around for so long, one can’t help but notice that the prominent sovereignist sounded like a confused teenager who had found himself in a precarious position after a one night stand turned into a prolonged relationship. You’ve got to give him some credit though, since the name he gave the group specifically designated it as a voting block from Quebec, and not a party. “What’s in a name?” is the famous line. Well, in this case, the name seems to indicate that the Bloc Quebecois is…a Bloc, for crying out loud.

With all this drama and tenseness permeating the political atmosphere, nothing excites me more than to be right back on the front lines, with a birds-eye view of our federal, provincial, and municipal representatives’ shenanigans. It’s a great time to be a Canadian, ladies and gents. I have a feeling that a lot of entertainment is headed our way!