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Today, the RCMP announced that they weren’t too upset with that guy that broke into Justin Trudeau’s house and that he wouldn’t be charged, seemingly emulating the parents of that crazy ex-boyfriend you once had.

The explanation is easy enough to understand. It was a drunk kid who wandered into some house that wasn’t his completely by mistake, and now he’s apologized for it. He probably suffers from affluenza or something.

Haven’t you ever walked into someone’s house drunk? You’re going to a friend’s to crash, but you can’t really see their address because it’s late at night (and you’re about to pass out). You fumble at the door, and lo and behold it opens. But once inside, you realize it’s not your friends house. Logically, you start stealing the knives. Even though the median income in this neighbourhood is $148,900/year, and you’re friends with this person’s neighbours, you gather up all the knives you can find, because those are high-ticket items. But, because you’re so drunk that you accidentally wandered into someone else’s house, and because you’re not going directly home afterwards, you decide to leave them in a pile, and just leave a friendly note along the lines of ‘hey, I broke in, lock your doors next time. Sorry.’

The Ontario Police Service is apparently fine and dandy with this, even as ludicrous as it sounds, but what’s even weirder is that the official statements keep changing. When the break-in first happened Justin Trudeau said that the family was “rattled,” and that the intruder left a “threatening note.” This kicked off a debate over whether Trudeau should get his own RCMP security detail, which put pressure on Steven Blaney, Minister of Public Safety, to legitimize Trudeau as a politician.

 

I can't believe these vandals would leave me and my family completely unharmed and not steal anything at all. How could they? Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press

I can’t believe these vandals would leave me and my family completely unharmed and not steal anything at all. How could they do such a thing?
Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press

 

A threatening letter was left atop several large kitchen knives arranged in a row on the kitchen floor,” according to the CBC, except that a week later the story was that at “the back door of the home, they found a letter purportedly left by the vandals.” Whoa, vandals? Multiple? And it was the back door? A GoogleMaps analysis of the fancy rich-people homes in Rockcliffe Park show that most of the estates have gates on the backyard. Huh, it would seem to discredit the “I accidentally wandered in” excuse. But don’t worry, this morning we learned that it was one person at the front door again.

As for the content of the note, it was somewhere between something threatening that caused panic in the Trudeau home, and an apologetic note that they should lock their doors or else things like the butcher knives could be stolen. That’s a pretty wide spread actually, what did the note actually say?

Now, I’m not going to actually make any of the following outlandish (and probably false) claims, but let’s Occam’s Razor this shit anyway. What’s a more compelling narrative, the frequently changing nonsense elaborated above, or that it was an inside job?

If you wanted to drastically increase Justin’s legitimacy, how would you do it? Launch a national conversation about giving him RCMP protection, something only allotted to real politicians. Time it to be simultaneous with a happy-Justin event, to show that he’s not phased, and instead play up the “this tragedy happened while he was gone” aspect. It frames Justin as the protector.

But, the police will investigate, and the person can’t be charged or anything! Why else would they go along? So make it seem threatening at first, but then let the malicious argument collapse upon itself during the investigation.

As the break-in, the pile of knives, the threatening note, and the “rattled” frame (which emphasizes Justin as a protector, and that he needs the same protection as all real politicians), became a kid, an accident, an unlocked door, and an apologetic note (which emphasizes Justin as warm and giving, and willing to forgive mistakes), the Trudeau campaign can own the media cycle for weeks (as it has), and surge whenever they or the police put out statements (as it has).

So, what’s more likely, that Trudeau’s family, the police, and all the media went down this trajectory all by themselves, or that it was a PR stunt? All I’m saying is that the guy expecting to be Prime Minister next year left his front door unlocked.