This morning, Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto voiced concern over a dangerous and fast-growing raccoon population wreaking havoc on the lush fields of suburban Toronto.
Ford described his various “standoffs” with the brutish creatures, and bravely exposed the cold hard truth, that “they’re not scared anymore.” We’ve all been there, Ford. Staring death in the eyes, as it eats the leftover slice of pizza you threw away out of concern that it had too many vegetables on it. Yet still the beast devours it. You stand in awe as you notice that the vile creature has managed to breach your supposedly impenetrable garbage containment unit. (Seriously though, how do they do that?) You try to ward it off with a visceral battle cry, but it just keeps looking at you with its cold, soulless eyes as it devours the remnants of your grand feast, with the same level of remorse as Olivia Chow attack ads. You finally recognize the superiority of your adversary, and succumb to its will, retreating to your former crack den.
This traumatic human-raccoon encounter is one that haunts far too many Torontonians. Something must be done to maintain Toronto’s standing as a model of peace and order, and to protect its defenseless inhabitants.
And who can we count on to come up with a reasonable and effective solution? Myth, legend, and Toronto’s noted gravy-train-halter himself, Rob Ford.
“Some people say, ‘Well, you know we should have the right to euthanize them.’” Ford remarks. Now that’s what we call a proportional response to an unwarranted and unprovoked act of aggression. Maybe he can retire to the Pentagon. Moreover, we’re happy to see Mayor Ford exploring new, creative avenues when dealing with these new-found adversaries. Can we suggest yet another one of his proven tactics to get rid of ones’ rivals?
In an era of permeating fear, crippling instability, and uncertainty about the future, we find solace in Rob Ford’s undiminished resolve to keep Toronto’s streets safe. Keep on fighting the good fight, Rob.