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Ontario has gone to the dogs—and not because they do a better job with peanut butter than most people can do with their hands. The 2014 election, in which Ontarians approved the Liberals’ big government budget, was clearly the first step down the road to a 1984-esque dystopian society. Do we live in a democracy in which people can vote for the right to yank their chains and buff their muffs? Apparently, we do not.

Elections Ontario recently released its Annual Report for 2012/2013. Like everything you keep under your mattress, it was full of secrets. Specifically, it revealed that Elections Ontario refused to recognize the Masturbators Political Party of Ontario because its name was “not acceptable”. Never mind that Elections Ontario is one letter away from a similarly suggestive name. Apparently, that doesn’t matter.  The refusal raises several more important questions. Namely, did someone put Peter MacKay in charge of Elections Ontario?


Empowering voters one hand at a time.Kudzu Vine

Empowering voters one hand at a time.
Kudzu Vine


Ontario is not Victorian England, so it seems odd that Ontario’s non-partisan elections agency would refuse Ontarians the right to vote for a silly political party just because its name references an autoerotic sex act. Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau famously declared that the government has no place in Canadians’ bedrooms. So why does Elections Ontario think it has a place in their bathrooms? This is an unacceptable level of censorship.

It’s more than that, though. It’s abundantly clear that the creators of the Masturbators (this was their party’s desired short form name) were just looking for a partner or two. These people, who have clearly spent their entire lives on their own – maybe they are happier that way – just wanted to make a few friends with whom they could sit in a circle and share their passions. Maybe on election day, maybe all day every day…it doesn’t matter. Instead of bringing them out into the open to make sure that their “not acceptable” hobby doesn’t cause society any problems, Elections Ontario has forced them underground. Elections Ontario might have made a bigger problem out of this than the Masturbators ever had. The one saving grace is that, whether in the open or not, the party ideology likely won’t spread because committed masturbators don’t multiply.

Along those lines, what’s the harm in letting these people have a party? The risk of disease transmission is relatively low…never mind. The point is that voters are all over 18. They are all old enough to know the difference between a jerk day and a work day (trick question, they are the same thing). Aren’t they mature enough to know the difference between more and less legitimate political parties? What’s the worst that could happen? A few hundred people around the province put up lawn signs that have the word “masturbate” on them. That would be an unimaginably wild success for a party whose members mostly keep to themselves, and pretty much no one would notice. Seriously, kids hear worse on the playground.

So, conclusively, Elections Ontario has only two legitimate reasons for refusing to acknowledge the Masturbators Political Party of Ontario. Either the organization thinks that the party is going to be such a wild success that lawn signs will be popping up like, well, you know, or it couldn’t tolerate the absence of a possessive apostrophe at the end of “Masturbators”. If the former, Elections Ontario should rethink its decision on the grounds that it is obstructing democracy. If the latter, just add the damn apostrophe.