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Jobs. A word that holds a lot of weight in our world today.We read about jobs, talk about jobs, want jobs made and then want them cut. Most of you reading this article probably work a job, and if you don’t, you likely want one.

Jobs are one of the most illusive forces in the universe, but what really are jobs? Sure, when you’re sitting in your office and looking around at the faces of your coworkers, jobs may seem like a tangible thing, but when discussed in the headlines, jobs mysteriously become an quasi-omnipotent being and we realize that we are at its mercy.

Ottawa doesn’t even fully understand what jobs are. Tony Clement, tasked with cutting 20,000 jobs from the civil service, thought he could control the workings of jobs. He thought he understood its ebb and flow, its cadence and rhythm, but upon his assignment’s completion, 5,000 extra jobs were inexplicably cut too. A total of 25,000 jobs. The Vatican was surely notified to see if Pope Francis can offer any explanation. Some academics believe that this is a sign of  jobs’ need for sacrifice while others have revisited the Mayan calendar to see if they’ve missed any predictions.

The federal government has yet to disclose (or comprehend?) from where the jobs were cut, making it nearly impossible to quantify the positive or negative effects of these cuts. Public workers still have yet to understand from where or to what effect the disappearance of 2,500 jobs have had on them, but the Feds wont talk. It smells like there’s a conspiracy a-brewin’.


The cuts actually hurt more than the subsequent unemploymentCWU

Are the cuts just an illusion? Are jobs?


A spokesperson reported that Clement had cut the required 20,000 jobs specified in the 2012 federal budget and that the bonus reductions resulted from “other factors such as retirements and programs coming to an end.” This suggests that the government was able to not cut workers, but the jobs themselves. The Parliamentary Budget Office, despite tireless efforts to gain any better understanding of these jobs at all, can’t spot the impact of their abatement.

So, if there were 25,000 government jobs, a portion of which were not being worked by any human and whose disappearance shows no ramifications, what were those jobs doing in the first place? Unless someone can offer a sound explanation, lord, I think there is a conspiracy a-brewin’! And baby, it’s steamin’. Someone should get The History Channel on the phone.

For those unenthused by the credibility The History Channel, one way to look at it is through previously discussed lens of the word jobs representing positions and not actual people. Former Finance Minister Jim Flaherty stated that over 1 million net new jobs have been created in Canada since the end of the recession. This could mean that all of those 1 million jobs are people that were hired, or that number could be fluffed up by taking into account just positions that the government created, but with no intention to ever be filled for a long period of time or at all. These are the jobs Clement likely got rid of. Some possible positions could include Tony Clement’s Chief Jobs Officer, Immigration Canada’s Purell Operational Manager, and Prime Minister Harper’s food taster (Secretary of Poison).


“Hm, I’m tasting a hint of nutmeg, ricotta, and cyanide”


Another possible explanation suggested by Kelly MacParland is that Clement only eliminated jobs in which the repercussions will be delayed or disguised. Now, this would be a reasonable explanation if in a few months you’re suffering from a bad case of food-poising (it’s coming out of both ends) due to a shortage of federal food inspectors, but has The History Channel ever made a documentary about something reasonable? No, and our understanding of jobs remains as blurry as a picture of Bigfoot.

Many theories explaining the paranormality of jobs have been tossed around. While most are passed off as crazy-person hogwash, I think the only logical explanation is obviously that we are living in a matrix; a state of comatose reality induced by a greater job-like being, forever preserving us in a state of blissful ignorance. But hey, that’s just my take on it, you can take it or leave it. Whether you think the jobs is a divine master of the universe, a spirit-like phenomenon, or if you think jobs don’t exist at all, what’s most important is that you’re able to sleep at night. I know that I sure won’t be.