The True North Times
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Welcome to the True North Times’ interpretation of 24/SEVEN: a recap of the past week in the life of the Prime Minister of Canada, and more.

 

 

With fire in our hearts and gasoline fumes in our lungs, The True North Times brings you yet another recap of 24/SEVEN. 

We begin with the Prime Minister speaking with U.S. President Barack Obama about various topics, including the situation in Iraq and the other one in Ukraine. They then went on to try to solve the mystery of why neither nation is in the World Cup this year. Harper felt he was close to solving the mystery, only to discover that it’s Iran playing in the tournament, not Iraq.

Our wonderful leader also announced a new set of scholarships to be delivered to innovative students over the next five years. First priority may or may not be given to a student who creates interesting work from what is provided by the Prime Minister for 24/SEVEN.

What’s next is truly special. Stephen Harper and his wife Laureen recorded a message to Albertans who were affected by the floods last year. The video presented a montage that showed our PM in the thick of things last year, where he talked to firefighters, carried a wet door, and posed for a picture with other volunteers — all while maintaining his impeccable style in a dress shirt. Simply amazing.

The Prime Minister also met with Nova Scotia’s Premier Stephen McNeil. We wish we could tell you more, but this is literally all the information we have.

New precautions for health and safety were initiated as well this week, which demands more inspections to ensure that our food meets the highest of standards. Unfortunately for our Prime Minister, this might not include foreign imports.

Soccer fever hit Canada this week, though we’re not sure to what extent, as our men’s team isn’t even in the World Cup this year.

Fortunately for us, we have the privilege of hosting the women’s World Cup next year! Laureen Harper was on hand to introduce the mascot for the games in 2015, Shuéme, a great white owl whose big bright eyes could pierce even the cloudiest of souls.  The girl who seemed to be emceeing the event then proceeded to ask if she could take a selfie with Laureen and the mascot. It’s unclear whether she is emulating Ellen Degeneres or David Ortiz.

And finally, Parliament Hill is gearing up for another Canada Day extravaganza! Word is, there will be balloon animals and those really cheap surprise bags given out to a select few.

 

Here’s what they missed:

Pretty uh, pretty big news to come out this past week, with Stephen Harper accepting the proposal of the Northern Gateway Pipeline. Of course, there are 209 conditions to be met, so, by the time all of those are accounted and adjusted for 25 years from now, there is some hope for an alternate energy source to be discovered.

From the wonderful mind of Stephen Harper, we bid you ado until next week.