Hi Canada! Turks and Caicos here.
There have been a few rumblings about the silliness of our union, with your Foreign Affairs minister wanting us to buy each other dinner and so on before we do the dirty. And though we both know how enjoyable a playful rumble can be with “Saskwatchewarm”, there is more to me than my admittedly substantial heat. As such, I thought I’d set the record straight and pour us some wine.
You may not know of my true complexity as a nation seeing as only yesterday the Premier of the landlocked and lacklustre province of Saskatchewan said of me only that “we’d like a tropical island”, but I really am something more. However, despite his ignorance I appreciate his optimism. While your Foreign Policy Chief thought we accused you of Russian tendencies in repeating that Canada is “not in the business of annexing islands”, the premier stated that “if there was a hope we’d put a great group on it and find out”. What a realistic and cohesive political class you have! But I am not visiting to be annexed, so shake all pre-conceptions and dust the diplomatic cupboards, this process has been going on since 1917, there is much to learn about the both of us.
I’m about 616 square kilometres of beachy islands in the Caribbean. I know, I know, I’m a small island and you’re a huge landmass, but stranger things have happened! America has a good friend in the middle of the Pacific! But we do have many things in common. Like you I recognize the British crown, so there’s no need to get into silly discussions about who rules who. Oh, I simply can’t wait for those late night drinking sessions you Canadians are so fond of singing God Save the Queen. Isn’t that just a fantastic song? It’s my anthem too! Gosh we have so much in common.
Also, lets not forget, the two of us have an almost identical government structure. We have a premier who is head of our legislative assembly; you have a Prime Minister who does the same thing, though I hear he doesn’t do much in the assembly eh? (like the eh? I feel Canadian already!) We also have the Governor who is the one really in charge, and you have the Governor General, who as representative of the Crown must be the one really cracking the whip, no useless photo-ops for an important person like that! And last of all we have our British MP, who makes sure our meek colonial voice is heard in Her Majesty’s chambers, and of course you have yours. Though I’ve been doing some research and I haven’t found them anywhere. I’m sure you can fill me in on whoever it is; isn’t it exciting having a voice in one’s affairs through representative government! The two of us fought for years to be independent, and now look at us: living it up with our own British government ministers. Has your government ever been suspended and supreme power given to the governor? Isn’t that such a drag? I mean sometimes we colonies have corrupt officials or governments or entire political systems, but it doesn’t mean father has to take away our pocket money! (Isn’t it nice calling the UK father? It just gives me a lovely patriotic tingle). Oh my goodness, we will simply have so much fun together.
I heard about your child Conrad Black, what a man he was! Went to become a Lord in Great Britain. You must have been so proud! I know he has gotten into a little financial trouble lately, but you should see the backroom deals we can do with money on this island. Speaking of which, how would you like to seem him walking around again with money in his pocket? Oh say no more, just a little gift I’m prepared to give to sweeten our little deal together. But on a financial note, don’t think we are just some other British Isle; we don’t even use their currency.
No no, we are thoroughly fiscally independent and, like all other thriving economies, use the American dollar.
Not to mention we each have things the other needs. You have natural resources, water, economic power, and respect on the world stage; we have warm beaches. Not bad for a trade off. Not to mention, if we can borrow some of your hockey tape, we will have our Navy floating in four or five presses of a bike pump that we may also need to borrow. I’m sure you have spares.
Anyway, I hope you all take this a little more seriously now and start teaching your geography students about the eleventh province: Turks and Caicos! Good luck in the European elections, with all of your power I’m sure the Brits let you vote for them too.
God Save the Queen,
Turks and Caicos