This week has brought a tropical sort of flair to the world of Canadian politics, a much-needed break from the boring norm of recent days. Everyone is talking about annexing Turks and Caicos, a move haters see as “too soon” after Crimea, but a cause to unite Canadians together.
The leader of Turks and Caicos, already titled Premier, Rufus Ewing is visiting Canada this week, and suddenly the idea of annexing the islands as a part of Canada is back in the public view. This is hardly a new issue; Canada has had numerous encounters with almost-provinces. The federal government as a whole has never been very enthusiastic about the notion, but it is very possible to view the opinions on the table by looking at Twitter, where Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall and PEI Premier Robert Ghiz have offered to let the islands join their provinces. Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird seemed a little cold to the idea, but himself admitting that “There’s no marriage without some kind of relationship” first. So, let’s get flirting.
If all of this seems a little too crazy in this time of political turmoil, never fear. I give you…
Four Easy Steps to Annexing Turks and Caicos
1. As a country, we need to start spending all our vacation time in the Turks and Caicos islands. Winter, spring, summer, fall; just head down to a resort. Spend some money. Schmooze with the locals. Adopt a baby. If we can make Turks and Caicos half as popular for Canadians as Queen’s University is for rich white people, we’re set.
2. Make the hashtag #caribbeaneh? go viral. We need to create a Kickstarter campaign, bringing in $500,000 CAD to pay for advertising and celebrity TV spots, including a Johnny Depp cameo with the words, “Oot and aboot on the islands, eh?” Online petitions and a Justin Bieber song featuring Hedley should put us at on the right track.
3. By this point, we will have made annexation the chief concern of the 2015 Federal Elections. Soon, Justin Trudeau will be seen demanding that every member of his party be in favour of annexation. In spite of this, the new government will pass the annexation bill anyhow, due to its wide popularity.
4. After much political anxiety and several years of entirely foreseen red tape, Turks and Caicos will join Canada as a federal territory.
Or we could just wait until the islanders become divided over the idea, at which point fighting will ensue. Canada will send in some troops, and despite some minor international disagreements, we will gain the islands by military force.
Heck, it worked for Putin.