Dear Prince Charles, Charlie? Can I call you Charlie? Nah, better stick with Charles,
Let’s cut to the chase. How dare you allegedly express an opinion shared by the majority of Western news outlets? Let alone one that you may in fact genuinely believe in?
Look Charles, you can’t just go wandering around the colonies saying Putin’s a Nazi and the environment should be saved and whatnot. You should have some kind of standards. Say things like “that’s a nice dress,” or, “that’s a nice dress,” or if you’d like a little variety in your vocabulary of public speech say “that’s a very nice dress”; I can almost taste the sincerity already. These are the kinds of things the public wants to hear from their royal family. The whole world would turn upside down if your mom started making unfounded accusations like “Putin’s actions are similar to the Nazi actions my father fought to stop” or “Putin’s actions are similar to a time before international norms” or “ Putin shouldn’t annex sovereign countries.” It, like the Queen weighed down by jewellery and thrown from the balcony of Buckingham Palace, simply would not fly.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Sir, those statements are really quite valid, in fact, some of them are downright true!” And I understand where you’re coming from Charlie, I really do. But don’t you think they may just be a little too true? If you and the rest of your tailored family start dropping truth bombs everywhere, the media will start to look like London during the Blitz. There’ll be an air raid siren every time you open your mouth, and people will dig holes in the garden to escape the horrible things you tell them. No one eats a hearty turkey lunch on Christmas Day and listens to the Queen discuss the pros and cons of being in the Euro, Canada’s vacant environmental policy, or that at the world’s projected population growth, combined with a dwindling water supply, we’ll all have to evolve into camels if we want to survive. They’ll spend good money on quality teacakes to fill their ears. There’ll be rioting in the streets. They want to hear the good things, things like “though times may be tough, the British people will stand resolute and emerge victorious once again” in the nice posh accent that they hate everyone but you for speaking with.
So don’t go having real conversations with real people about real issues in real places. It will scare the living crap out of them. Instead, comment on their folksy charm, delightful donuts, and indecipherable accent. Mention their shiny shoes and their great contributions to the first and second world war. No one will think any less of you; I can put a twenty year 100% money back guarantee on that one. And make sure you shape up and stop telling the truth there Charlie boy, or you just might find your spot filled by the proper young armed forces man with hot wife and the cute baby that everyone seems so smitten with. Haven’t heard him mention Putin have you mate?
Harry Turner ESQ.