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Where in the world is Roo-ooo--oob Ford?

Rehab? Or…somewhere else?
The Learning Company | The Hollywood Reporter | Shaun Merritt | X-Weinzar

 

Rob Ford claims he has gone to rehab, and we don’t doubt him, but he has also vanished off the face of the Earth in the most Rob Ford way imaginable. For the first time in recent memory, we actually don’t know exactly where he is and what he’s doing. After having gotten used to knowing every event he is attending and every offensive slur he muttered at said event, we’re going into Rob Ford withdrawal because he is completely and totally missing. He has disappeared.

He called the Toronto SUN early this morning and would only say “Rehab is amazing” and “I’m going to kick butt,” along with vague comments about sports typical of Rob Ford. He wouldn’t say his location, and given his track record with the Toronto public, many won’t actually believe he’s enrolled until it becomes the subject of a reality show.

Last week, when Rob Ford got on a plane headed to Chicago, the media was ready to follow. Yet, while US Customs and Border Protection confirm that Rob Ford arrived in Chicago, they add that he withdrew his request to enter the USA and “departed” shortly thereafter. No one knows what this means. Did he get on another plane? Did he crawl through underground tunnels to join the Lizard People? Maybe he was whisked away in a private limo to one of those expensive rehabs frequented by real celebrities. After all, it is genuinely impressive that a man that large can disappear without a trace. Being so internationally recognizable usually means you’ll be spotted, so his disappearance is a true feat.

 

etcoford

You can barely see him
Randy Risling

 

Rumours have begun to emerge that Rob Ford was denied access to the country, though this seems unlikely considering he visited just two months earlier, and that the United States proudly hosts the likes of Charlie Sheen and others in the proud tradition of cocaine-addled public figures. It’s also just more fun to imagine that this is part of a master escape plan that Rob cooked up with his lawyer.

Alas, whether Bermuda Triangle or Atlantis, Rob Ford is gone. When pressed, his lawyer, Dennis Morris, would only say that Rob Ford is in rehab, and he thinks that “it is close to Timbuktu.” Hilarious, we know.

What’s sad is that Rob Ford thought that a dramatic disappearance was necessary to get the media off his trail, and he’s probably right. After all, this is a man whose own mother has been stalked in the pursuit of finding a new piece of dirt on him or a new video to shame him in his weakest moments—moments he likely regrets.

Don’t get me wrong, the only one bearing fault for the turmoil Rob Ford has endured is Rob Ford. The only one responsible for his drunkenness, racism, drug abuse, and misogyny is…Rob Ford.

Still, Rob Ford is also the only one who can put his life back on track. We’ve said it before, Rob Ford is trying to fix himself, and for that he should be lauded. When he comes back to Toronto, he becomes fair game again and it becomes the decision of Torontonians to decide whether they want to elect a—hopefully former—crack addict to the lower-middlest office in the land.

But, until he returns to the scene, maybe, just maybe, we can all have some respect for the man and not camp outside the unknown rehabilitation centre, shouting questions at him through the fence and doing things which are generally not conducive to kicking crack, booze, and whatever else he may be hooked on.

For the first time in a longtime, the world does not know the precise location of Rob Ford, or have live video feed of what he’s doing at that moment. Let’s hope this development is a positive one, and that when the mayoral race resumes we’ll be faced with candidates ready to lead, rather than lag behind.