Well, here it is. After a long month of campaigning, mud-slinging, and an inordinate amount of racism, April 7th is nearly upon us. Who will be crowned the victor of this hot tub fight? Those allowed to vote (apologies to our Editor-in-Chief) now get to choose. We’ve put together profiles of the top 4 parties to help you decide who will earn your vote.
– The PQ is a pro-sovereignty party that isn’t as crazy as Québec Solidaire. So if you’re into the whole sovereignty thing, but not that into it, the PQ is here for you.
– They promise to put measures in place to protect the French language. So if you’re also into protecting endangered species such as pandas, polar bears, and French Quebecers, add another check for the PQ to your list. (Fine print: PQ is only actually worried about the French Quebecers. To help the pandas and polar bears, you may want to take a look at the Parti Vert du Québec.)
– The PQ is working hard to safeguard Quebec culture for future generations. The four century old prime genetic makeup that is the basis for Quebec as we know it currently faces attacks from all sides. The PQ plans to take defensive measures to rid our province from these threats by instilling a new CEGEP history course and removing Public Enemy #1 (bilingualism) from the public sphere.
– They also promise to emphasize secularism. In the year 2014, it’s about time that the church and the state are separated (move over, Charlemagne). Religious beliefs will no longer be part of the workplace under the eyes of the PQ. The 103 ft steel cross atop Mount Royal, however, will stay because it’s part of our cultural heritage. See previous point regarding the importance of cultural heritage.
– If the PQ has proven anything with their Charter and their language laws, it’s that they know where the real problems lie and how to deny their existence outright. Like the economy. Who even thinks about the economy these days when there are people running around wearing hijabs and speaking English? In a world where everything seems so hopeless and hard to fix, we need a government that can present us with smokescreens and the illusion that there are problems we can tackle. It’s reassuring.
– Sovereignty. “Le Beau Pays” really doesn’t have the same ring as “La Belle Province”. And what the heck are we going to do about the Montreal Canadians? “Les Quebecois de Montréal”?
– The PQ promises increasingly harsh language laws. If you enjoy your right to speak whatever language you like, and if you love the musically multicultural ring of the popular Quebecois greeting “bonjour-hi”, don’t vote for the PQ. Just… don’t.
– The charter of values. Speaking of, the PQ candidate from Acadie recently confirmed that a doctor wearing a kippa at the Jean-Talon hospital would be fired if he refused to remove it. The PQ has confirmed what we have always expected: medical professionals can only be evaluated by what’s on their head, not in it. After all, it’s not like we have a shortage of doctors here, right?
– Last election, Pauline Marois, perhaps to curry the favor of pissed off students, promised not to raise tuition fees. She raised tuition fees. Apparently she had to, but that might have been a nice fact for her to check before making all those empty promises. Really, do you want to vote for a woman who doesn’t even know how the Quebec laws are supposed to work?
– Pierre Karl Péladeau is possibly one of the most hilarious mistakes to ever happen in Quebec politics. With shares in Quebecor Media Inc., some have called PKP’s bid for a political career a conflict of interest, but think about how entertaining it would be to see him sitting in the high seat and defending his honour! (Hint: not entertaining enough to justify him prancing around with his fist in the air promising to make this indebted province a country.)
Parti Libéral du Québec
– They’re not the PQ. Really, you don’t even need to keep reading at this point. It’s all you need to know. (Please do keep reading though. We worked hard on coming up with these lists.)
– They actually kind of maybe like being part of Canada (that part was a little wishy-washy on their website). Canada is pretty great though. Look how polite the Canadians are. Then again, we’re also the people who pour maple syrup on snow and eat it, and the rest of the world seems to think we’re a little bit off our rockers for doing so. Maybe Canada isn’t so perfect after all…
– Phillipe Coullard is a perfect example of the word “hypocrite”. He says about the CAQ leader, “Mr. Legault speaks in soundbites, soundbites with little substance. He also speaks with little respect for his adversaries.” While this may indeed be true, it’s a little rich coming from someone whose English-language radio commercials centers on how Marois is the worst thing to happen to Quebec. That’s just what politicians do. Couillard doesn’t need to go act so high and mighty about it. “Hey, kettle, you’re looking rather black today” – Pot.
– The only reason anyone votes for the Liberals is because they don’t want Marois in power and are afraid of the CAQ dividing votes like they did in 2012, leaving the province with a PQ majority. Seriously. The only reason. What’s the Liberal platform anyway?
– Their website is terrible. I’m not joking. It’s just a nightmare of epic proportions. If they can’t run an easy-to-follow website, how on earth can they run a province? Where does one go to complain about this glitchy layout?
Coalition Avenir Québec
– They’re not the PQ.
– The CAQ has promised to cut the tax bill for every Quebec family by $1,000. Legault plans to remove the health tax, school tax, the 4.3% hydro rate increase, and eliminate the current $2.5 billion budget deficit in a year. Promises, promises, promises. Still $1,000 can get you about 200 orders of poutine (even more without tax). I just want to know where all this money is going now if we can cut all those taxes and still maintain our social programs.
– Like Disney’s Hannah Montana, François Legault promises the best of both worlds – he wants to prioritize the economy, and the language and identity that makes up Quebec Culture. The CAQ has also recently come in like a wrecking ball in the polls (and on construction corruption), so someone must be doing something good.
– This week, Legault came out saying that the government has run the province poorly over the past 30 years. While this is true, it’s nonetheless a little ironic since Legault was a prominent figure in the PQ between 1998 and 2009. I guess when he says that the government runs the province poorly, he knows that he’s talking about. As an inside man, he’s got the deets on what not to do when in office. (Unfortunately, this doesn’t really reflect well on his capabilities as leader of the province if he’s not proud of his own work.)
– They might actually be the PQ (don’t tell Legault we said that). Seriously, the party is a collection of turncoats from the PQ and PLQ who wanted to unite to…simultaneously support and oppose every major policy by the other parties. The CAQ pitches a wide tent, which makes it inclusive, but also frightening.
– The CAQ said that they wanted to cut 36,000 positions in the public service sector. We’re not so sure if this is the best thing to advertise when it’s hard enough to find a job already. It might show that their advertising department needs a bit of work. But hey, at least they’re honest (for politicians). Really, do we need six people standing at Cote-Vertu to hand out copies of the
propaganda metro newspapers?
– In their campaign platform, they refer to themselves as “environmentalists”, “on the Left”, “democrats”, “feminists”, “alter-globalists”, “from a plural Quebec”, “from a sovereign and solidarity-showing Quebec”, and “another party, for another Quebec!”
– In their campaign platform, they refer to themselves as “environmentalists”, “on the Left”, “democrats”, “feminists”, “alter-globalists”, “from a plural Quebec”, “from a sovereign and solidarity-showing Quebec”, and “another party, for another Quebec!” Go back and read this with a sinister voice.
– Françoise David hates everyone.
– Seriously, they say they will abolish private property.
– In your heart of hearts, you’ll know that your one true candidate was one vote closer to nothing, be it the Option Nationale, Conservatives, Greens, Bloc Pot, Citizens’ Union, Parti Null, or any of the other hundreds of parties that collectively make up 1% of the vote.
– If a candidate in your district wins by 1 vote, you’ll forever know that just for a moment you had the power to choose, and you blew it. Good going.
This election, The True North Times endorses Democracy – the spirit of going out and casting a vote to choose the liar who will slowly fuck you over the next few years. Happy voting!