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For anyone who ever wonders why the Canadian political landscape is not nearly as entertaining as the American one would do well to follow what is going right now with the ongoing controversy surrounding the Member of Parliament, Eve Adams. Once the darling of the Conservative Party, Ms. Adams is now the target of a series of misconduct allegations. The nature of these accusations stem from “the misuse of parliamentary status”, which is really just polispeak for being an insufferable idiot. But, in the end, it’s rather simple: Canadian politicians get politically guillotined for the stupidest stunts (et tu, Rob Ford?).

Look at the guys down south: Eliot Spitzer got busted for having ties to a prostitution ring, Rod Blagojevich got screwed for corruption charges, and Joe Wilson got sent to the ninth circle of icy hell for calling the U.S. President a liar. Now that is primetime news! So, what do we get? Canadian taxpayers get a rabid 40 year-old woman. However, we may soon be deprived of even this small modicum of mediocre entertainment. Unfortunately, news about Adams’ insane behaviour has finally attracted the leery attention of Stephen Harper in Ottawa, who is now asking the Conservative Party to investigate.

So, what are these allegations, really? The first incident started back in December, when Adams entered into a heated argument with the Island Park Esso gas station owner — John Newcombe — over a $6.00 car wash she deemed unsatisfactory (Little was it known that she would soon be getting a raise, huh?). Having decided that the cleanliness of the car she was driving was above the price of human dignity, Adams then proceeded to block access to the refuelling area for a full 15 minutes while other cars had to back out onto the busy Ottawa street, effectively causing a mini traffic jam. Here’s the punch line: apparently, during the whole charade, Adams had some particularly choice words of encouragement for the small business owner, including “I am timing how long it takes to get my refund.” That’s classy — the customer is always right, right?

While she was eventually let off the hook with a slap on the wrist, this is not the only time that Adams decided to stage her best artistic interpretation of “Orangutan with Hemorrhoids.” Just a few weeks ago, Adams stormed in on a board meeting for the riding association of Oakville North-Burlington to demand prostration from the peasants filibuster its agenda. Adams refused to leave despite being asked by the board members repeatedly (9 times, to be exact) for verbal abuse. Mark Fedak, who is the current president of the association for the new riding, recounts it as such, “During the first 20 minutes of her appearance she went from arguing her right to be there due to her MP and member status but then started to verbally abuse at least four members of the board directly.” You go, girl!

But what could possibly motivate such extreme behaviour from a respected representative of the Canadian citizenry? It would appear that Adams is mounting a hostile takeover for the riding… When she already holds a seat in the adjacent riding… Talk about ambition! It’s a terrible shame – this strange episode in Canadian politics had all the hallmarks of an awesome new Netflix series. Indeed, Francis Underwood himself would likely rap his knuckles in approval if only Adams had executed this psycho plan with a little more tact than a five-year old.

 

And to think, there was such promise in this relationship! Jason Ransom

And to think, there was such promise in this relationship!
Jason Ransom

 

Right now, Adams is still holding on. However, the same could not be said for her fiancé — Dimitri Soudas — the former Director of Communications for the PMO who got canned for helping his wife harass, heckle, and bully everyone with a basic sense of decency in the province of Ontario. Perhaps there is something commendable that could be said for such husband-wife devotion, but, at the same time, there is little reason to believe that they would not rush to push each other down once the hounds of war have started salivating. The last thought that will likely cross Soudas’ mind as he carries his last set of belongings in that Xerox box back to the parking lot will be, “I should have stuck it out in my first marriage.”

Next time, I suggest the couple watch (or re-watch) House of Cards before attempting a similar stunt on Parliament Hill. There’s a lot they could learn from Freddy in running a BBQ joint… Which is about all they can aspire to now…

TAP-TAP!