Canada’s Conservative government just had an epiphany. Yesterday at 11AM, what must have been moments after stumbling out of a van, Peter MacKay declared that his government would consider changing its marijuana policy. This was an important step for the federal Conservatives, who are clearly trying desperately to align their policies with Rob Ford’s opinions. If your mind is blown, you aren’t alone.
Anyone with a pulse and a sliver of morality knows that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who commit marijuana-related crimes in Canada. This is ironic, of course, because it’s pretty easy to burn in hell. I digress, this is no more about Satan smoking than it is about Stephen Harper moping. So what on Earth could this mean for Canada?
Canadians acknowledge one indisputable truth about the current state of Canada’s marijuana laws. In summary, to quote Shania Twain: “up, up, up, [it] can only go up from here!” Evidently, Shania was no stranger to getting high. Who thought one of Canada’s most famous country singers would sing so openly about marijuana? If there was any doubt, there is no more. Chronic is the solution for Canada’s chronic identity problem. The Conservatives, best known for keeping their ears to the street, have noticed. Now they’re taking action.
Peter MacKay, who in this picture appears to be demonstrating how to roll a fat blunt, announced that the Justice Department would consider allowing police officers to ticket people caught with marijuana. This is quite different from the current rule, which requires that officers charge people caught with marijuana. Canada’s police chiefs, who admit that most police officers currently can’t be bothered to fill out the paperwork necessary to charge their neighbourhood stoner, support the proposal. You know it’s a good idea when those guys like it.
Police stereotypes aside, this means big change for Canada’s megaprisons. The proposed new rule keeps Jeff Spicoli out of jail, and reserves his place for the guy who grew his pot. The pedophile down the street might still get a lighter sentence, but hey, this is progress. Long gone are the days of the Conservative war on drugs: on March 4th, Mackay’s office said there was no reason to change Canada’s marijuana laws, and on March 5th he says its time to hotbox the Parliament building.
So keif it up, Peter, you’re doing a great job! You’re drifting dangerously closer to Justin Trudeau, the man you criticized a few months ago for daring to talk about legalizing marijuana in front of preteens. Of course, this is all talk until you actually do something about it…so don’t worry, you aren’t in over your head yet. But be careful before you decide to puff, puff, and pass any legislation. People like marijuana. If you actually do this you might become a bit more popular. Sounds good, right? Think again. Popular kids are cool, and cool people smoke dope. You might have to start hanging out with J. T.