The True North Times
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  • First to podcast with Wilfrid Laurier
  • Exporting Beaver Hides to the Metropol since 1608
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Canada’s Immigration Minister, Jason Kenney, has, in recent memory, restructured immigration policy to shift towards “more efficiently accepting migrants who can best contribute to the Canadian economy.” This may seem like a logical reformation of a policy as important as immigration. However, this government, particularly Mr. Kenney, has been focused on stimulating the economy with billboards talking about how well they’re stimulating the economy (the billboard industry is booming). Who better to build these signs than newly acquired Canadian citizens whose sole purpose in life is to build things?

What newly acquired Canadian citizens you may ask? Of course, the topic being discussed is the North Pole (you just read the title how could you forget that?). Mr. Kenney swooped in just before Christmas and did the unthinkable: He declared Santa a Canadian citizen. This unspeakable act of annexation was followed by the second part of this one-two punch by his partner in crime John Baird: Claiming the North Pole falls within Canada’s borders.  This is an Iceberg too far ladies and gentlemen. This is an act by malicious Conservative ministers (who presumably received a lump of something that can only be described as cleaner than Athabasca tap water in their stocking); attempting to shore up the lagging manufacturing sector of the Canadian economy by laying claim to Kris Kringle and all of his elves. The repurposing of elves from building toys for good girls and boys to building Canada’s Economic Action Plan signs poses two very serious and immediate consequences. Firstly, the Harper government will have ruined Christmas. Secondly St. Nick will come under fire for his suspected violations of International Labour Organization’s (ILO) standards for worker safety and compensation (sweets have not been monetized as of yet). It’s difficult to determine which of those is worse. In closing, this is a simple case of illegal aggression by a country with a storied and well documented history of aggressive expansion and imperialistic desires. This move represents the most blatant infringement on sovereign territory since any Conservative cabinet ministers last set foot in Quebec… or something about Hitler and the Sudetenland.