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Rob Ford, facing the ravenous hordes of the Toronto media elite. Andrew Louis

Rob Ford, facing the ravenous hordes of the Toronto media elite.
Andrew Louis


As you know, I’m a human being,” Rob Ford said, as obvious hour began on schedule at Toronto City Hall.  Reporters who had spent the morning organizing a liberal media conspiracy were caught off guard and frantically began taking notes.

“My personal life does not affect the work that I do for the taxpayers of this great city,” Ford continued, as he began to explain how he was under fire from city councillors for his personal behaviour on Monday, January 20, 2014.  Ford had appeared in a video, apparently hammered, where he swore and complained in pseudo-patois, albeit with a very lousy Jamaican accent.

“We all experience these bumps in life,” Ford lamented.  The audience nodded affirmatively, each journalist remembering that to appear in an internet video in which one drunkenly imitates a Jamaican is a rite of passage for all those who work at City Hall.  “But again,” Ford said while camera shutters clicked audibly in the background as if to capture the obvious truth of what he was about to say, “this is completely a private matter.”

Ford continued: “there are some councillors who claim that my personal life is somehow impacting their work…folks, this is nonsense!”.  Reporters forgave the Mayor for this slip of the tongue, recalling that he couldn’t possibly know how much trouble he had caused the councillors because he was on a recommended leave of absence for several weeks while they cleaned up after his crack video scandal.  This was an understandable human error.

“At City Hall, I am focused on my work, and I encourage my councillor colleagues to do the same,” Ford added.  This was perhaps his most truthful statement of the afternoon.  While he had been caught drunk, high, and belligerent at many other venues, he had never exhibited such behaviour while at City Hall.

Ford then launched into a tirade.  “If it comes in, great.  And if it doesn’t, what do we do?  We use last year’s surplus…that I am totally against.  You do not use previous years’ surpluses to fill the gap.”  Viewers just tuning in may have wondered whether the Mayor was talking about stocks of liquor, marijuana, or crack.  In any case, they were reassured by the fact that Rob Ford had a keen eye for unbalanced accounts.

As the press conference ended, Ford said that he would be happy to answer any questions about the city budget, but that he would not field personal questions.  Unfortunately, obvious hour had taken its toll on the flock of reporters, and they immediately peppered Ford with personal questions.  What a bunch of children!  The Mayor, glad to have an excuse, left the room and headed back to his office, where an urgent matter demanded his attention: likely, Grand Theft Auto V had been paused for nearly 10 minutes, and Rob was eager to indulge in some humanity.